Let's be fair: educational games blow. They blow hard. They try teach us the most simple lessons but lose sight of their own goals by trying to include in-depth story telling and exlopding drug addicts. They try to be fun, and science has proven that it's impossible to learn while you're enjoying yourself. So here's a rundown of four educational games from long ago that really didn't teach us anything.

4) Bronkie the Bronchiasaurus

Bronkie and Trakie are two dinosaurs with asthma. You see, the city of San Suaran was stuck by meteors a few years back, leaving dust and pollutants in the air. Rather than make the logical choice of getting the fuck out of there, the citizens of the city instead choose to take the time to construct a wind machine to blow away the pollutants. With their first major invention completed, these industrial dinosaurs also got around to designing an inhaler once they realized they were all gradually dying. Ignoring that they were all now horribly handicapped they lived happy dinosaur lives. Then Mr. Rexo decides to steal the wind machine because he understands time paradoxes and if the folks of San Suaran don't meet a horrific end he can't quantum leap.

Bronkie and Trakie set out on an awesome adventure to get the pieces back. For some reason, Mr. Rexo entrusted the pieces to smaller dinos who will hand over their part if you can answer a simple question about asthma. It's never explained why they're so quick to betray their employer, but it's safe to assume it has something to do with him trying to kill everyone via asthma. On your quest you'll encounter asthma triggers like dust and animals that inexplicably hinder your sight. Every trigger leads to the screen growing darker and darker until you're practically blind. It isn't until you're wandering in absolute darkness that you decide it might be a good idea to bust out the inhaler.

"Oh no! A stationary pile of dust!"

What we should learn: Asthma safety, and possibly something about prehistoric history.

What we did learn: When suffering from an asthma attack you needn't worry until severe blindness settles in.

 

3) Captain Novolin

With a name like Captain Novolin you would expect that the character would be a super hero or, at the very least, a seaman. Well sadly neither is the case, but he does own a speedboat, so he's closer to the seaman bit than one would have expected.

Tights or no tights, you need a permit.

The Mayor of Pineville has been kidnapped by aliens disguising themselves as junk food. It's up to the Captain to stop them and rescue the mayor using his only super power: diabetes. We wouldn't have guessed high blood sugar was actually a super-human trait but then again we've never seen Superman eat a cupcake when he's throwing hands with Darksied, either. To defeat the several murderous donuts and breakfast cereals you encounter you'll need to jump on top of them. While this would be an excellent metaphor for putting your foot down on unhealthy eating it was most likely a poor attempt to make up for his gross lack of laser vision.

Even the cookie looks more intimidating then he does.

So who was behind the nefarious kidnapping plot? The sinister Blubberman who, based entirely on this screen shot, is a horrendously obese cyborg amputee.

He fights you by sending an electric shock through the floor which, for reasons we assume are too brilliant to comprehend, you can send back to him with a lever he left in the floor. What lead to such a fatal design flaw? An unbalanced diet?

What we should learn: Have a goddamn rice cake every now and then.

What we did learn: Diabetes only effects those who are part machine. Also, fuck corn flakes.

2) Rex Ronan: Experimental Sugeron

Well before Tramua Center hit the scene we had Rex Ronan on the job. His current patient, Jake Westboro, is dying from an acute case of karmic justice; he suffers from lung cancer as a result of smoking his company's cigarettes. The company's name? Blackburn Tabacco. Note to consumers: don't trust a product from any company that sounds like it was named after a dragon.

He might look evil but he makes a damn fine cigarette.

Jake comes in seeking treatment. He has so much to live for; his wife, kids and the smooth and easy flavor of Blackburn cigarettes. So what's the treatment? Surgery? Radiotherapy? “Fuck no,” says Rex Ronan, “We're experimental. We're on the edge.” With those words Dr. Ronan shrinks himself and enters Jake's body to fight the cancer himself.

Armed with what's either a hose a some kind of extreme lightning gun, Rex must work his way to the lungs, fighting everything on the way from plaque, tar, time bombs and robots. Blackburn, concerned that Jake would tell everyone that smoking was dangerous, somehow planted those tiny robots and bombs throughout his body. Why they didn't just kill him with a standard sized robot or bomb is a question for the ages. The time bombs only explode if you incorrectly answer a question about smoking, such as “SMOKING LEADS TO EARLY WRINKLES?” If you're wondering why a company would openly admit the flaws of its products in the form of a violent explosion, please keep in mind this is the same company that invests millions of dollars into nano-robot technology to gradually kill off its own customer base. They aren't exactly on top of things.

What we should learn: Smoking has some pretty negative health effects.

What we did learn: Surgery is for cowards and the only proper way to fight cancer is by kicking it in the balls.

 

1) NARC

The folks behind the anti-drug "Just Say No" campaign sponsored Narc, a game intended to teach the player the negative consequences of substance abuse the only way they would understand: horrific violence.

In Narc you take on the role of Max Force. Max is a cop who, judging by his name, has a part time job as a porn star. He's tasked with bringing down a major drug empire. By reverse engineering a successful business model, Max determines that the best way to bring the empire down is by killing all its customers with as many guns, rockets and Ferraris as possible. You get bonus points for arresting them and not leaving them in a pile of their own burning flesh but you're never punished for taking their lives, either.

Rehabilitate this, junkie!

Your enemies range from guys in trench coats to marksmen with syringe needles. There's also clowns and prostitutes. We assume you have to bring them in for making questionable career decisions. After slaying as many of the down-trodden as possible you face of with the head of the criminal empire, Mr. Big.

If you're wondering what the message is here, we don't really know what to tell you except that giants skulls are usually evil, he's a drug dealer, so by proxy drug dealers are evil. You're welcome.

What we should learn: Drugs will lead you on the path to ruin.

What we did learn: If you're seen walking the streets in a coat with big pockets a man in a blue helmet will shoot you dead before searching your corpse for cocaine.

 

Post a Comment

Name:

E-mail:

URL (optional):

Comment:

Remember my info for future comments

post »

User Comments (4)