Special game peripherals are a two-edged sword: on one hand they sound stupid and on the other hand they are stupid. Take, for example, the Nintendo Power Glove. Despite being a small keyboard on the back of a glove, over one-hundred thousand Power Gloves were sold in the United States alone, partly because we hadn't learned our mistake from R.O.B. but mostly because a movie had us believe they were so bad. But then customers were surprised when it turned out to be useless as an NES controller and only half functional as a glove. Really? You were shocked that something called a Power Glove was terrible? You shouldn't have been. Have you ever known a glove to be powerful? No, because powerful gloves are called gauntlets, dumb-ass.
However, some of these accessories don't seem so bad, or even have a totally awesome premise, but still fail to make the mark. As a service to you, our humble reader, we present the four classic peripherals that should have rocked but didn't. Maybe now we can all learn from the mistakes of the past and stop supporting top-spinning robot industry.
4) Atari Mindlink
The Idea: Moving into the early eighties Atari was on top of the world. The success of the 2600 system made the company a household name. With the video game market seemingly cornered the company decided more expansion was needed, so the next logical step was to enter the medical field. Working under the company philosophy that no idea is a bad idea, they designed the Atari Bionics System. Ultimately the Bionics didn't see the light of day, presumably for two reasons: first, the Bionics was only performing tasks that other machines would, such as read heart rate, and didn't preform them all that well compared to those already in use. Second, no one is foolish enough to trust their health to a company that makes Pac-Man look like this:
This should not be.
However, one aspect from the project survived. A module that read muscle tension was redesigned and rebranded as the Atari Mindlink, a controller that could read your mind.
The Reality: Of course, if Atari had mind reading technology their games wouldn't look like they were made out of broken Lego sets. In truth, the Mindlink just read the movements of your facial muscles with infrared beams. While this might sound like the epitome of awesome, testing revealed that using the Mindlink quickly lead to headaches due to the amount of concentration and the constant eyebrow movements needed to properly use the device. Who would have known that no one would have liked playing video games at the cost of looking like a stroke victim? Oh yeah, everyone.
3) Sega Activator
The Idea: By 1992 Sega had taken a page out of Atari's book and designed their own interactive controller for their Genesis system. They were smart enough to know that you can't play Street Fighter 2 Turbo with just your eyebrows, so they scaled their ambitions back a bit. Rather than read your mind, the Activator instead read your full body movements, specifically punches and kicks.
Even the logo will kick your ass.
The intention was noble enough; rather than having to remember lengthy combinations for fighting games you could simply stand inside the octagon and literally beat the shit out of your opponent instead. If you ignore that this almost proves Jack Thompson's “murder simulator” theory, the Activator was a fantastic idea that would sell like naked lady hot cakes.
The Reality: The Activator is broken into eight panels, seven of which had a specific button function just like a regular controller. You activate a button by sticking out a a hand or foot to break the infrared beams. The end result leaves you looking as though you're dancing with a midget.
Despite being designed with fighting games in mind the Activator took something as simple as a hadouken and turned it into a horrific Newsies-esque dance sequence. After fifteen minutes of “I'm having a seizure” game play you'll suddenly be reminded why you chose to play video games instead of joining the UFC in the first place.
2) Nintendo Power Pad
The Idea: Even before the Wii Nintentdo was concerned with the gaming community's collective fat ass. To help their customer base get into shape and not die of a heart attack at the age of thirty, they purchased the rights to a Bandai peripheral and released it stateside as The Nintendo Power Pad.
Using either side, one with eight buttons and one with twelve, the player could take an active role in athletic-themed games such as track running and aerobics. The player would step on a specific buttons as instructed to run, jump and other things one wouldn't logically do to play a video game. The pad itself came bundled with World Class Track Meet so you know Nintendo wasn't fucking around with the whole “physical fitness” thing. If you don't want to shame yourself on the global stage you better put down the Cheetos and haul some ass.
The Reality: Here's the original commercial, demonstrating how the pad should be used:
The kids in that video are running by alternating steps with two buttons. They almost look majestic, like a cheetah mauling a gazelle. Now here's a video demonstrating how the pad is actually used:
These gentlemen are demonstrating that, in order to win a race, you're going to look like you're stomping on tiny invisible ants. Oddly enough, professional runners don't look like this because professional runners don't look like jackasses. Most kids discovered that after a race or two they got pretty exhausted but they could achieve similar speed by sitting down and slapping the pad, much to their parents' horror. Not only was this annoying as hell but it also served as a dark prophecy of things yet to come:
1) Konami Laser Scope
The Idea: The Nintendo Zapper is badass; if it weren't for the cord protruding from the handle, the bright orange pieces, lack of bullets and awkward clicking sounds it would be just like a real firearm. But there's still a catch: you need to hold the light gun with at least one hand (two if you're going for Awesome Pose Bonus Points). What the hell? We've reached an age where kids can play games with futuristic laser beams but we still have to hold the gun? “Fuck that,” said Konami, “The future is now.” And with those words came the Laser Scope.
The helmet rests on the users head with a cross-hair covering the player's right eye. Above the cross-hair is the laser itself, which the player activates by shouting “Fire!” into the attached microphone. If amazing voice lasers aren't enough then get this: the Laser Scope uses the Nintedo as its power source, meaning no more batteries. Truly this was a golden age, especially for those of us who wanted to look like we were assimilated by Borg.
The Reality: The Nintendo Light Gun itself wasn't particularly accurate so it's safe to assume that a third party laser helmet might not be up to standards. Also, you might not be aware of this, but constantly shouting “Fire!” over and over again is usually alarming to passers-by. Fortunately the microphone is terrible so just about any sound will fire your laser. We recommend a lengthy string of expletives. Now you're playing with Nintendo Power, bitch-ass!
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