There’s no shame in getting beaten up. At least, that’s what my therapist said to me. “It’s their problem if they have to beat up someone to feel important,” she informed me. I don’t know if that’s true. I think my internal bleeding is more of my problem than it is theirs. I told this to her. Then she said, “Have you ever thought about just running away?”
I told her, “No, never, the thought never crossed my mind. Thank you. Thank you for telling me that, because I never tried it before. I thought that just getting my ass beat would be the best possible solution. Next time, I’ll remember to ‘just run away’ when someone is sitting on my head and the other sixteen people are nailing my nads.”
I wish I had these weapons when the bullies would tease me about how loose my grandmother is. When I was younger, I really could have used a…
5.) Dildo
Tip: For penetration, a dildo is stronger than just your fist but weaker than a baseball bat.
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas . Console: Playstation 2, XBOX, XBOX 360, Microsoft Windows. Developer: Rockstar North. Publisher: Rockstar Games.
I don’t know what a dildo is intended for, but according to Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas , you can find them in a shower of a police station.
My mother had one of these. My father told her that he bought it to bring a spark back to the relationship. I don’t think it worked. One night I heard them arguing and he screamed, “Well if you spend so much time with it, why don’t you just marry it?” I don’t know what a dildo is, but if it’s used for what it’s used for in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas , it’s no wonder that my father was so mad. I don’t think I’d like it if my wife used a dildo to brutally beat up elderly women either.
My mother never did marry it. When I asked her why not, she responded, “I’m already married to a dildo.”
However, if I were to get beaten up by a dildo, I’d much rather be my father than this dildo. My father played league volleyball. Once he was missed a serve and his teammate started to laugh at him. My father went after his teammate but the onslaught was just too much for him. Say what you want, but twelve-year-old girls can be deceptively strong.
4.) Frozen Tuna
Game: Dark Cloud. Console: Playstation 2. Developer: Level-5. Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment.
I never got beat up by a fish before. It’s one of those things that I say I’ll never do, but then usually end up doing it and regretting it. Ever flush a hamster down a toilet? Kids dared me to do it all the time. They made it out to be fun. But let me tell you something. It’s a lot less funny when you realize that hamsters can experience pain. You can see it in its eyes. And in that trail of blood that it’ll inevitably leave down the drain.
In Dark Cloud , Goro carries a fish around, walloping it against enemies. It doesn’t make much sense that the fish doesn’t explode into pieces upon impact. I’m sure that in real life, if I’d hit an evil wizard with a fish, the wizard would just be all smart ass and say, “Why didn’t you just shoot me with a gun?” It’s like when my first-grade teacher asked me, “Why did you spell your name with two “A”’s? Why didn’t you just spell your name correctly? What world do you live in?” I don’t know. Maybe my own. In my own world, I have tea parties with Princess Toadstool. In the real world, I have some bitch yelling at me because I spelled my name with an extra “A.”
3.) Car
Game: Two Crude Dudes. Console: Sega Mega Drive/Genesis. Developer: Data-East. Publisher: Data-East.
Two Crude Dudes is a beat ‘em up game where muscle-stacked men lift cars over their heads and throw them on people. It’s a little disappointing. While the car kills the enemies soundly, it does about as much damage as the trash can. Why bother with gathering the energy to lift an entire car over your head when something significantly lighter can inflict the same damage? And if the answer is “Because I’m so strong that it’s all the same to me,” why not just lift an entire building up over your head and kill everyone at once?
It’s a lot like the question, “Why is it that you can pee perfectly on the toilet seat, but you’re completely incapable of aiming it into the extremely large open gap in the middle?”
2.) Bucket
Game: WWF RAW. Console: Super Nintendo, Sega 32X, Sega Mega Drive/Genesis. Developer: Sculptured Software and Realtime Associates. Publisher: LJN / Acclaim Entertainment.
In WWF RAW for the Super Nintendo, there is a chair that has been left around the outside of the ring. The chair breaks after one use, but the bucket is awesome because it can be used repeatedly. I like how the referee sees this and does nothing to reprimand the wrestlers. My friend thought this was awesome.
My friend was a wrestler. He said that he was gong to win one way or another. Before his match, he found a janitor’s bucket. I don’t think I need to say what happened afterwards, but my friend didn’t win, even though the referee couldn’t see him beat th eother kid with the bucket because my friend threw salt in the ref's eyes.
1.) Urinal
Game: WCW Backstage Assault. Console: Playstation, Nintendo 64. Developer: Electronic Arts and Kodiak Interactive. Publisher: Electronic Arts.
I guess I’ve had access to many urinals growing up. It’s just that I wasn’t able to use them as effectively as the wrestlers do in WCW Backstage Assault . I can imagine myself getting frustrated and telling all the bullies to stand back.
Then I try to rip the urinal off the wall.
Then I get my ass beat.
Backstage Assault , as far as I can tell, was EA’s experiment in reimagining a wrestling game with cubism. Then when that didn’t work, EA hoped that people would be so distracted by the urinal that no one would notice what they made Jeff Jarrett look like.
— The Son of a Bit,
Jonathan Plombon
Ben Dennison(9 months ago)
Backstage Assault was a special kind of terrible. I think I only played it three or four times but I remember that every weapon had an awesomely bad breaking animation.
Glytch(9 months ago)
The dildo was much better in vice city. one hit kill baby
burning_phoneix(8 months ago)
Jackie Chan Stuntmaster for PS1 also had a frozen tuna among other weapons.