Video games have always been a young person's world. Not only do your grandparents probably not play video games, but the characters in video games tend to be young. Crazily young; at least half of the main characters, especially in RPGs, are young kids who haven't even reached their 18th birthday, and they're off to change the world. It's a sad thing when the 30-year-old in your party is "The old guy".

Well enough of that bullshit. For all the talk about old school video gaming, it's about time to introduce y'all to old man school. We're not getting any younger, so it's good to remember that you don't have to be 18 years old to kick ass . Here are five old men who still could beat the snot out of you without a second thought.

5) The Old Man - Legend of Zelda

This is the original old man. He doesn't even have a name, he's just the old man. And I know what you're thinking: "Why the hell would you put that old bastard on a capable people list? He just stands in a cave between two fires." Slow down there, sparky. When's the last time you managed to survive in a cave with nothing but two fires? I'd consider that pretty capable, wouldn't you?

Also, the guy is practically omnipresent. Every time you enter a cave, there is his hawking his wares, or running his illegal gambling ring. It takes a lot of hustle to be running your hustle at a dozen locations at once. Not to mention his best hustle of all; when you blow a hole in the rock or burn down a bush, he's asking you to pay him for door repairs. Actually, asking doesn't really quite describe it. He simply tells you to do so, and you have no choice. Now that's a good hustle.

The original protection racket

And do you know why you pay him so willingly? It's because you know he could kick your ass. You hate the way he takes your money, and you know there was that time you stabbed him with your sword and it had no effect whatsoever, just went right through him. But being immune to swords somehow didn't clue you in to the fact that you shouldn't fuck with this old man, sword-boy . So then later on you tried to stab him again, and he started peppering you with fireballs. Not mocking those two fires in the cave now, are we?

4) Strago Magus - Final Fantasy VI

At 70 years old, Strago Magus is no spring chicken. Back in his younger days, he used to hunt monsters, but now he's mostly retired to his village house in Thamasa. And he spends most of his time sitting around looking old.

He doesn't have wrinkles, he *is* wrinkles.

So why does this old fart belong on the list of old men you don't want to mess with? Well, he sits around in his village because he gave up magicking. But when it's go time, he's ready to go, and starts blasting ice all over the place. This pisses off the mayor, but Strago really doesn't care.

He's also a blue mage, which means he can learn any powerful spells he sees. So if, hypothetically speaking, you were to try to kick his ass with your magical aqua rake or whatever, you should be aware that he'll watch what you do, memorize it, and then use that technique to kick your ass and the ass of your friends.

Did we mention that he's 70 years old?

3) Yoda - Soul Calibur IV

Yes, know we do. Been in many movies, he has. And yet come to video games has this demented green midget muppet. Watch the screen, you will, and a pint-sized kicking of ass you will see:



Many years old is this Yoda, and if you were so lucky as to live for 400 years, you can bet that scrambled your brain would be. And so putting words into sentences in the right order is something that have a hard time with you might. So cut Yoda some slack, let's, for the centuries addled his poor old brain have.

But not too decayed have his fighting skills, hmmmmmm? Still a lightsaber he can swing well enough to be the ass of many younger people kicking, hmmmmmm? And those who his size do mock will soon realize that a smaller hit zone he has, hmmmmmm? The Yoda do not mock. Mockery leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to you suffering a lightsaber that gone through your kidneys has.

2) Tellah the Sage - Final Fantasy IV

Let's talk about power. Tellah the Sage has it. He has forgotten more spells than you will ever know. That's what happens when you're 60; it's hard to remember things. He's still got a decent amount of magic, though, and when you meet him in the caves he's certainly a capable addition to your party.

His power ramps up once he climbs a mountain with you, and he suddenly remembers all the spells he forgot -- as well as the universe's ultimate powerful magic, Meteo. If you don't want a spoiler, skip to the next paragraph now. But Tellah learns Meteor casting, and is even willing to lay down his life just to make sure that he can cast Meteor against the killer of his daughter.

Of course, being capable isn't just about power. It's also about how well an old man can navigate a young man's world. It's about being able to interact with people and still be thought of as a cool dude instead of just some old geezer. Tellah totally can kick it with today's kids. Check out these shades:

Wireless shades before Morpheus made them cool.

Most of all, Tellah is renowned for the most popular insult in all of video gaming. For all the swearing and blustering the young kids do today, nothing has ever stung quite like the way Tellah cut down Prince Edward with the immortal words, "You Spoony Bard!" Oh, snap! If delivering an insult that outlives both you and your target is a measure of capability, Tellah has it in spades.

1) Old Snake - Metal Gear Solid 4

If there's one man in video games who defines what it is to be old in the real world, it would have to be Old Snake. He's not invulnerable to damage. He's not a green jedi master. He's not a magical wizard from a world where people can invoke fireballs and ice blasts and meteors out of thin air. Old Snake is just an old man who is good at killing people.

"Ask me about strangling guards!"

Originally known as Solid Snake, after a few decades, the snake gets a little less solid. (If you don't get that joke, don't worry. In 30 years you definitely will.) Solid Snake got pulled out of retirement to deal with the FOXHOUND threat, and so he's got to run around sneaking across military bases, knocking out and strangling countless guards.

Battling cyborgs, infiltrating enemy strongholds, leaping into fires, protecting the world against viruses and nuclear attack -- these are all young man action hero things. But the pre-maturely aged Old Snake is the only man for the job, and gets shit done.

"I'm getting too old for this shit."

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