Educational video games have done some amazing things in their time. They have helped children explore worlds that only their Ritalin filled imaginations could conjure. They have provided insight into worlds that before only their textbooks could take them. And they have provided countless hours of entertainment and enlightenment that allowed teachers to take that extra smoke break that helps reminds them why they got into teaching: three months of paid-#$&*ing vacation, baby.

Some games, however, took things (pardon the expression) to the next level. They provided a nation of wide, bloodshot-eyed kids lessons that not even the thickest and most poorly spell-checked textbook could teach.

6. The Oregon Trail

Every child of the 80's who went to a school that could afford air conditioning remembers playing this classroom classic. It was a simulation of life in the grueling world of 19th century America. Players would take on the role of a pioneer family trying to escape the hardship and disease infested life on the east coast trekking through the dangerous terrain of the Midwest until they reached a whole new hardship and disease infested life on the west coast.

"...you know, back when dots were used to simulate real color and women were allowed outdoors on sunny days."

The game turned into a financial success among schools that taught their kids more about global warming than they did about U.S. history. The game was remade and release into at least six different versions and three spinoffs making the game a cult success among people named John, as evidenced by the game's Wikipedia page.

What Was the True Lesson?
Any member of your family can die at any time for any reason.

The children could slowly develop diseases and wither away, forcing you to bury them along portions of the trail. The wagon could break an axle causing your wife (most common name used for wives in The Oregon Trail in the 80s: Alf) could fall and break her leg and die of gangrene because you decided to buy food instead of a splint at the last general store.  In fact, you could be the only remaining survivor of the trip, a trip you chose to make because you wanted them to have a better life.

5. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

Bangkok is also the world's second highest exporter of
stifled double-entendre giggles next to Lake Titicaca.

There was a time when the Carmen Sandiego series served as an educational tool and not as a hypnotic trigger to keep the unhip sounds of Rockapella in your mind.

The game evolved through various stages from the mid 80's and took players on a national and global romp to catch henchmen who had stolen various historic and culturally significant artifacts. The game not only required kids to recall various geographic and historical facts and figures, but made them research them in a thick desk sized reference book that came with the game and are now holding up a fifth of the world's missing sofa legs.

What Was the True Lesson?
That crime is an unstoppable force and none of your stuff is ever safe.

Put bars on your windows, at least three heavy locks on your doors and a security system on your home with a code that requires knowledge of advanced calculus to enter. You never know when some ironic-sounding named villain will break into your home while you sleep, take things that are dearest to you and escape justice in the dead of night. And they will probably get away because some stupid detective forgot to fill in the suspect's hair color and favorite food on the warrant.

4. SimCity

I'll bet their airports don't need government bailouts.

Some people might not consider this groundbreaking simulation game to be education, but it does have a lot to teach about emergency preparedness, monitoring fiscal activity and maintaining order in a gradually chaotic world.

It's too bad Wall Street Kid didn't have the same effect on its players or I wouldn't be writing this in my cardboard box apartment on a computer made out of abandoned cafeteria trays and Styrofoam right now.

Voted by the readers of Electronic Gaming Monthly as the character they would
"most like to kick in the balls until their face turned blue."

It's also as boring as a sock puppet show performed by elderly people until you realize you can enact natural disasters and unleash everything from tornadoes to monsters on your town with the click of the mouse.


What Was the True Lesson?
Power is addictive.

Put ultimate and unchecked power in the hands of one person and they will eventually use their influence for their own gain instead of the good of all mankind. It sounds sad, but its true. If the executive branch of the U.S. government had unlimited and total control over the remaining two branches, Abraham Lincoln would still be president and alive in an exo-skeleton suit of armor that can fire surface to air missiles and shoot flames out of the back of its head.

3. M.U.L.E.

What Terry Gilliam sees when he has an orgasm.

Very few games dealt with economics and the concept of selling and buying because people who spend their life savings on video games and beverages that allow them to play those video games for as long as possible can't even afford a mattress in which to hide their money.

M.U.L.E. had players buying real estate on a fictional planet to mine for "Crystite" and taught them to balance their necessities such as food and energy while buying the things they need and selling the things they don't. Winning doesn't just depend on how much product you find, but how well you survive.


What Was the True Lesson?
The person with the most money always wins.

Of course, with the rate the Dow Jones and global market is going, the crystite could easily replace the dollar. But the lesson still would apply.

2. My SAT Coach

It's just like the real SAT, except your life doesn't depend on passing it.

Parents have long believed that video games are bringing down their child's ability to pay attention and retain information that doesn't involve remembering which manna to ingest when you have to punch a lifeforce elf in the face.

Hence, My SAT Coach, a Nintendo DS title that helps young ones prepare for the big test day right on the device that's making them dumber by the minute. It has practice tests, mini-games and personal progress tracks that are based on the actual Princeton Review so that the test can automatically award kids of rich parents or famous alumni bonus points before they plug in the cartridge.


What Was the True Lesson?
Your entire worth in the educational system depends on one inaccurate standardized test that pigeon holes students into numbers instead of individual intellects.

Oh and be yourself.

1. Barney's Hide and Seek

The ESRB gave this game a "GA" rating is because they did not yet have an "E" rating for "evil".

That big purple dinosaur that loves little kids, possibly because he is carnivorous, had his own video game back on the Sega Genesis. And everyone wonders why the Dreamcast failed.

You play as Barney running around a magical land of talking animals and plants without the use of heavy-duty narcotics playing a big game of hide and seek with your friends. The kids crouch behind objects like big rocks and trees to hide from Barney and when he does find them, he gives them a big hug and says, "Remember, I love you."


What Was the True Lesson?
Evil can smell you and will always find you.

One of Barney's victims uses a child's heart as bait
before pushing the boulder over the cliff.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance reporter, humorist, writer and SAT coach living in Texas. His website is www.dannygallagher.net, and his MySpace page is www.myspace.com/dannyghatesmyspace.

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