If playing video games were enough to make you a gamer, there would be no prestige, no class, in calling yourself such. In the same sense that you can’t call yourself a true KISS fan without the KISS casket, condoms or fragrances, you’re not truly a gaming enthusiast unless you’ve purchased a shit-ton of useless crap.
6) Game Fuel
Let’s be honest: there’s nothing particularly athletic about the average video game. If fifteen minutes of Bubble Bobble leaves you physically exhausted, you really need to see a doctor or, bar that, try doing a sit-up. But despite the low impact nature of frantically tapping buttons, Mountain Dew decided that you weren’t performing up to speed. Fortunately, they have a solution, and it is extreme. Game Fuel is Mountain Dew’s attempt to cash in on your tendency to buy anything with Master Chief on the label.
Game Fuel stratagey guide also available from Prima.
If piss-yellow soda didn’t improve your fake killing accuracy, Game Fuel is for you. With its ball-busting cherry flavor and overall high levels of fuck-you-uppery, Game Fuel will be sure you keep wired during your marathon Halo run while continuing to ruin your dental health for the rest of your life. Though it has since been discontinued, Mountain Dew plans on releasing a new flavor with a World of Warcraft theme, because MMO players clearly need another beverage that will put them on edge.
5) Gamer Grub
Apparently there has been some sort of gaming-food crisis going on that we were completely unaware of. Gamers need to eat; despite being emotionally detached, they’re still human. However, they’re also incredibly unhealthy, or so all those academic-types claim. Developers have tried for years to trick you into getting into shape with varying degrees of success, but that does nothing to curb your bottomless, almost legendary hunger. How do you fend off the munchies while maintaining your totally legitimate and not-at-all made up credibility?
With Gamer Grub. The people behind this snack claim that it will enhance your cognitive functions while keeping your hands grease-free. This is curious because Gamer Grub is, at its salty core, trail mix flavored with various spices. The only way this stuff won’t leave a residue of shame on your fingertips is by funneling it directly from its rad tube to your mouth, an eating habit mothers have been trying to extinguish since the dawn of man. When you’ve got both eyes on Gears of War, one hand cramming a plastic capsule into your chew-hole and the other on your mouse, you’ve left a large window of opportunity for a choking hazard that will only end in a hilarious obituary printed in your local newspaper the next day.
4) Roxy Video Gaming Floor Chair
You’re all familiar with the concept of gaming chairs. They're notable for somehow taking the standard chair design and making it look physically handicapped as well as surrounding the user with an absurd number of speakers. The idea is that by surrounding you with a wall of noise, you will have a more intense (and thus more fun) gaming experience while simultaneously causing permanent damage to your hearing. But those things are hardcore. What about casual gamers? They can’t sit on chairs not designated for the gaming experience, because that’s how injuries happen. In order to greatly lower the number of Galaga-bean-bag related deaths that occur each year, the folks at Roxy have crafted the Video Gaming Floor Chair.
This chair holds one advantage over the usual gaming chair, and that is that it won’t make you look like a complete fucking tool while you’re sitting on it. However, this couch doesn’t really relate to games in any way. There’s no speakers, it doesn’t violently shake in the presence of on-screen explosions and there’s no cup-holder for your Game Fuel. Reading the seller’s description, this is, quite literally, just a couch. They claim it was conceived “with gamers in mind.” We we’ll just assume that the gamers in question are the most mundane people on the planet.
3) Video Game Champion Glove
So, you’ve got your questionable energy drink and your art deco sofa. What’s the next step in declaring your supremacy?
When it comes to asserting opinions, the option of using gloves has been virtually ignored… until now. When you walk into your local hobby shop wearing one of these bad bitches, everyone will automatically make two assumptions about you: that you’re the goddamned champion and, when not mixing hands in Street Fighter IV, you moonlight as the city’s least intimidating biker.
2) Caffeinated Soap
Let’s assume for a minute that we did live in a world where caffeine wasn’t everywhere we looked. Would you still trust the average human being, a creature that regularly forgets its keys and shovels the feces of supposedly inferior animals off of its lawn, to regulate how much caffeine they’re absorbing through their skin? How does one go about even measuring such a thing? Science?
This is a good idea on paper; it offers yet another alternative to the questionable taste of coffee while masking the horrific odor of basement funk. However, when the soap's packaging warns about the dangers of birth defects, addiction and over dosing, the simple art of good hygiene has wandered down a dangerous path from which it may never, ever return. God help us all.
1) 3rd Space Gaming Vest
Developers are constantly trying to blur the barriers between game and reality. Rather than, you know, go outside and do stuff (a dangerous option once you consider that’s where bears live), you have the option of using several peripherals that put you directly into the action, such as the 3rd Space Gaming Vest.
This slick number attempts to simulate the unspeakable horrors of warfare by simulating the damage you would receive while playing a first person shooter. Pads throughout the vest pulsate when you’re shot, making you appear more badass while offending actual veterans at the same time. The product description claims the vest is a “real-world simulation of an online battlefield,” but immediately contradicts itself by clarifying that the vest “perfectly safe and won't cause any bodily harm,” not unlike a shotgun blast to the chest.
krazd(11 months ago)
hahah great list
John Pfeifer(11 months ago)
Gamer Fuel was awesome. I give this article two thumbs down!
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
... said John Pfeifer to no one, a look of momentary satisfaction rapidly fading from his face.
Anon(11 months ago)
Its not "Gamer Fuel" its "Game Fuel" - doesn't help that you can't read the can/bottle. I agree with everything else on the list, but Game Fuel was one of the more successful flavors of Mountain Dew and is still a sought after flavor (it can be purchased on eBay). It was so successful that Mountain Dew is re-releasing the drink (in two different flavors) to promote World of Warcraft.
Please actually do some research about things that you write about.
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
Thanks for catching the error on Game Fuel. I've always called Gamer Fuel despite the fact that that clearly isn't the name. Somehow that's always sounded like a more logical title to me. My mistake.
I'm not arguing the success of the flavor and if you reread the section you'll note that I point out the future release of the WoW flavors. I'm simply pointing out that it exists as a lazy cash in.
Eric(11 months ago)
"Please actually do some research about things that you write about."
-Anon
Research? The man added an "er" to the end of a word by accident. It's an article about sub-par merchandise, not a doctoral dissertation. Lighten up or go back to your day job of devouring small children and the occasional billy goat that pass over your bridge.
slicer(11 months ago)
Well I really cant say but No. 4 seems quite cool and comfy
Jake(11 months ago)
How do you not have the Gamer razor on here? <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Gillette-Razor-Fusion-1-Count-Packages/dp/B001JQLNGE">http://www.amazon.com/Gillette-Razor-Fusion-1-Count-Packages/dp/B001JQLNGE</a>
Shyssirixus(11 months ago)
The vest pisses me off. I've tried them on before, and they SUCK. My CAT punches harder that than thing. Really, it feels like a junebug ran into you, or less. Give me a vest that feels like I just got cold-cocked, and I'll consider buying it.... maybe give me some motivation to get shot less in CS:S
Smaug(11 months ago)
The game floor chair looks like a mattress bent in half
lazyfatbum(11 months ago)
All these bizarre gimmicks and no one will make what gamers really want: bacon, sausage and cheese in a syrup form you can put on practically anything that self-heats like MRE's when you open it. You come home with sack of Baconators onion donuts and two biggie dew's no ice you sit down (office chair, k thx) and realize... there isn't nearly enough cheese and meat in these products. Sorry Belmont, i'd love to save your family but i'm severely disappointed right now. Enter the individually packaged bliss of Cheese Meat. Dip your cloves in it, that's right. You never heard of smoked Meat and Cheese? Those cigarettes never had it so good. The whole thing, just drink Cheese Meat. Drink it like the Danimals Crunch and Slurp. A shot of Cheese Meat, a bite of Baconator and then chase it with dew. There you are, level 70 legendary. Chase those vile women away you God, you.
John Davis(11 months ago)
I just love game grub! Great stuff!
RT
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Johnarchy(11 months ago)
Next logical step: Cosplay sex dolls.
Fyndir(11 months ago)
As a gamer I'm glad that the food and beverage industries are finally taking notice of my special needs.
Regular foods and drinks simply aren't gamerific enough for me, and it is a real problem, in my day to day life I have to carry a portable gaming system with me everywhere I go, and from time to time the urgent need to give myself a 'booster' by slipping in a quick 5-10 minutes of gaming is too much. Needless to say this has disrupted many a peaceful meeting at work.
Now with the return of gamer fuel I will FINALLY be able to casually sip a drink when I need my 'booster', and avoid disrupting the peaceful meeting.
...
graphicartist2k5(11 months ago)
maybe he didn't do research on "game fuel" because it's not that important of a thing to do research on. and i totally agree with everything on this list. the gamer vest does seem as though it was a cool idea, but honestly, i wouldn't wear it outside of my own clothing, just so everyone else could see how hardcore of a gamer i was.
Fyndir(11 months ago)
The next challenge will be to address the automotive, housing and financial industries (of course further lobbying is needed with the food industry, gamer snacks are now available but full meals seem a distant dream) we need gamer alternatives to the regular products offered by the main day-to-day industries which are prevalent in modern society, otherwise how can we ever hope to become intergrated, productive and functional members of this society?
This is a step forward, but remember that, it's just one step, the race continues.
(go go gadget 2-part comment!)
Renashugofan(11 months ago)
I loved gamer fuel. I dont really care about the Caffine in it. It just taste good!
MildlyAmused(11 months ago)
Dammit! No wonder when I poured that "Game" Fuel into my 360 it didn't do anything other than short circuit.
If only they'd added the "r" to tell me that PEOPLE were supposed to drink it and it wasn't some futuristic tech to bling out my system.
Peanut(11 months ago)
Where can I get this stuff? At least, everything but the couch and the cheap green military gloves with the fingers cut off and glow paint on them.
jameos(11 months ago)
Nice piece-of-shit glove...that made me laugh til I cried!
Tim(11 months ago)
Why isn't anyone asking the important questions... like where can I get that glove?
Joe(11 months ago)
oh man.. how could you have missed the "Gillette Fusion Gamer"!?
http://www.gillette.com/en-US/#/products/FusionGamer/en-US/index.shtml/
Zachary Cole(11 months ago)
It's a little unnerving that that one comment-leaver is so personally offended by the article's description of Mountain Dew. Out of all the things in the world, this shmuck picks *that* to defend? Really? He/She's anxious to shield a multi billion dollar business empire whose sole mission is to convince twitchy twentysomethings that there's something inherently*rad* about downing bubbly sugar water?
FAILETH, I SAY!
philip(11 months ago)
check http://yourtvonline.com
buy wow gold(9 months ago)
Whoa! That's what you call addiction! But the thing that I'd surely purchase will be the Mountain Dew Game Fuel. I'm more than willing to wait for it to be released in the market specially now that it's theme is based on my favorite game which is WoW.
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