If playing video games were enough to make you a gamer, there would be no prestige, no class, in calling yourself such. In the same sense that you can’t call yourself a true KISS fan without the KISS casket, condoms or fragrances, you’re not truly a gaming enthusiast unless you’ve purchased a shit-ton of useless crap.

6) Game Fuel

Let’s be honest: there’s nothing particularly athletic about the average video game. If fifteen minutes of Bubble Bobble leaves you physically exhausted, you really need to see a doctor or, bar that, try doing a sit-up.  But despite the low impact nature of frantically tapping buttons, Mountain Dew decided that you weren’t performing up to speed.  Fortunately, they have a solution, and it is extreme. Game Fuel is Mountain Dew’s attempt to cash in on your tendency to buy anything with Master Chief on the label.

Game Fuel stratagey guide also available from Prima.

If piss-yellow soda didn’t improve your fake killing accuracy, Game Fuel is for you. With its ball-busting cherry flavor and overall high levels of fuck-you-uppery, Game Fuel will be sure you keep wired during your marathon Halo run while continuing to ruin your dental health for the rest of your life. Though it has since been discontinued, Mountain Dew plans on releasing a new flavor with a World of Warcraft theme, because MMO players clearly need another beverage that will put them on edge.

5) Gamer Grub

Apparently there has been some sort of gaming-food crisis going on that we were completely unaware of. Gamers need to eat; despite being emotionally detached, they’re still human. However, they’re also incredibly unhealthy, or so all those academic-types claim. Developers have tried for years to trick you into getting into shape with varying degrees of success, but that does nothing to curb your bottomless, almost legendary hunger. How do you fend off the munchies while maintaining your totally legitimate and not-at-all made up credibility?

With Gamer Grub. The people behind this snack claim that it will enhance your cognitive functions while keeping your hands grease-free. This is curious because Gamer Grub is, at its salty core, trail mix flavored with various spices. The only way this stuff won’t leave a residue of shame on your fingertips is by funneling it directly from its rad tube to your mouth, an eating habit mothers have been trying to extinguish since the dawn of man. When you’ve got both eyes on Gears of War, one hand cramming a plastic capsule into your chew-hole and the other on your mouse, you’ve left a large window of opportunity for a choking hazard that will only end in a hilarious obituary printed in your local newspaper the next day.

4) Roxy Video Gaming Floor Chair

You’re all familiar with the concept of gaming chairs. They're notable for somehow taking the standard chair design and making it look physically handicapped as well as surrounding the user with an absurd number of speakers. The idea is that by surrounding you with a wall of noise, you will have a more intense (and thus more fun) gaming experience while simultaneously causing permanent damage to your hearing. But those things are hardcore. What about casual gamers? They can’t sit on chairs not designated for the gaming experience, because that’s how injuries happen. In order to greatly lower the number of Galaga-bean-bag related deaths that occur each year, the folks at Roxy have crafted the Video Gaming Floor Chair.

This chair holds one advantage over the usual gaming chair, and that is that it won’t make you look like a complete fucking tool while you’re sitting on it. However, this couch doesn’t really relate to games in any way. There’s no speakers, it doesn’t violently shake in the presence of on-screen explosions and there’s no cup-holder for your Game Fuel.  Reading the seller’s description, this is, quite literally, just a couch. They claim it was conceived “with gamers in mind.” We we’ll just assume that the gamers in question are the most mundane people on the planet.

3) Video Game Champion Glove

So, you’ve got your questionable energy drink and your art deco sofa. What’s the next step in declaring your supremacy?

When it comes to asserting opinions, the option of using gloves has been virtually ignored…  until now.  When you walk into your local hobby shop wearing one of these bad bitches, everyone will automatically make two assumptions about you: that you’re the goddamned champion and, when not mixing hands in Street Fighter IV, you moonlight as the city’s least intimidating biker.

2) Caffeinated Soap

Let’s assume for a minute that we did live in a world where caffeine wasn’t everywhere we looked. Would you still trust the average human being, a creature that regularly forgets its keys and shovels the feces of supposedly inferior animals off of its lawn, to regulate how much caffeine they’re absorbing through their skin? How does one go about even measuring such a thing? Science?

This is a good idea on paper; it offers yet another alternative to the questionable taste of coffee while masking the horrific odor of basement funk. However, when the soap's packaging warns about the dangers of birth defects, addiction and over dosing, the simple art of good hygiene has wandered down a dangerous path from which it may never, ever return. God help us all.

1) 3rd Space Gaming Vest

Developers are constantly trying to blur the barriers between game and reality. Rather than, you know, go outside and do stuff (a dangerous option once you consider that’s where bears live), you have the option of using several peripherals that put you directly into the action, such as the 3rd Space Gaming Vest.

This slick number attempts to simulate the unspeakable horrors of warfare by simulating the damage you would receive while playing a first person shooter. Pads throughout the vest pulsate when you’re shot, making you appear more badass while offending actual veterans at the same time. The product description claims the vest is a “real-world simulation of an online battlefield,” but immediately contradicts itself by clarifying that the vest “perfectly safe and won't cause any bodily harm,” not unlike a shotgun blast to the chest.

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