"Guitar Hero is a waste of time, because you could be learning to play an actual guitar."

Well gee, Einstein, thanks for letting us know. We certainly haven't heard that comment before from our family, friends, and every other Guitar Hero hater in the entire world. It's not as if the fact never occurred to us before. Hell, MC Lars even made a music video about it.

But Guitar Hero is like the AIG of time-wasting video games: Guilty, sure, but serving unfairly as a scapegoat when so many others have done the exact same thing for years. So before you open your yap to let loose the completely original, stinging, witty observation that people playing Guitar Hero could be learning to play actual guitar instead, think about these games that you probably wasted time on, and reflect on the real life skills you could have learned instead:

6) Super Mario Brothers

Back when the original Nintendo Entertainment System first came out, this was the game that everyone had. And while the chunky pixels may look pathetic by today's standards, compared to the Atari that people were playing before, SMB was a glorious graphical advancement. Since this was before thousands of Nintendo games were available, there weren't many choices for your gaming, and if your family was poor and you couldn't afford many games that didn't come for free with the system, then you played hours and hours of Mario.

What Skill You Should Have Picked Up Instead

I bet you expect me to say being a plumber. But that would just be stupid, because Super Mario Brothers has nothing to do with being a plumber. Think about the gameplay: You are jumping around through various levels just trying not to die, you don't have sufficient protection against your enemies, you can't ever go backwards because you just have to keep going forward, and when you finally think you've completed your objective, some asshole tells you to go somewhere else and go through all this crap again.

Would you mind going through another four levels
to find more disappointment? Thanks!

Yep, you may as well have been training for the army.

5) Duck Hunt

When the NES came out with the Zapper gun, this was the game you got bundled with Super Mario Brothers. The idea of a gun you could fire at the screen was revolutionary for a home system, and while other NES games eventually made use of the gun, none of them were as iconic or stupidly addictive as Duck Hunt

People kept playing mainly in the hopes they would one day
be able to shoot this fucking dog.

What Skill You Should Have Picked Up Instead

Actual duck hunting. Honestly, it's not that different. You spend a lot of time sitting around, you shoot at ducks when you see them, and your dog will laugh at you if you miss. Actual duck hunting has two added benefits: First of all, you get to use a duck call, and those things are just fun. Secondly, you have potential tasty food if you succeed, which is a lot different than beating Duck Hunt and then making a bowl of ramen.

4) Pipe Dream

One of the under-rated old puzzle games for Windows. You place the pipe pieces, and try to get them all connected before the goop comes pouring out the other end.

I gave your mom a "Pipe Dream" last night. Oh snap!

What Skill You Should Have Picked Up Instead

Plumbing. Okay, c'mon, you didn't really think we'd get through this article without suggesting plumbing, right? If you're going to be placing all these pipes, you may as well charge people for it. And save some money yourself; plumbers are known for having very high hourly rates, and you know damn well that at some point in your life, your pipes are going to burst, and drains will clog, and faucets will leak, and it will cost you an arm and a leg to fix because you didn't learn to be a plumber.

Also, you know how when you're playing Pipe Dream, you tell people you'll be over in ten minutes, and then two hours later you're still not there? That's a plumber skill too.

3) Sonic the Hedgehog

The original time-waster for the Genesis. Not much to do here but manage your speedy hedgehog to gather as many rings as possible.

What Skill You Should Have Picked Up Instead

Actual hedgehog raising. Let's face it, many of us gamers could use a little more companionship, and if you raise a little hedgehog it will definitely love you. Not only that, other people will find you more attractive if you have a hedgehog. If you get really good at raising hedgehogs, you can even win awards.

Forget Sonic; Thor is an actual award-winning hedgehog.

2)  Soul Calibur

Don't Ax, Don't Tell

When this came out, I remember hearing my friends keep saying in casual conversation "...but the soul still burns!" Well, the memory still burns. And I know that people wasted many an hour on this game. How? Well, I don't suck at video games. I've spent enough of my life playing video games that I can pick up any game and be reasonably proficient. With Soul Calibur, my friends kicked my ass so badly that I got negative points. Clearly, they must have spent a lot of time learning those moves.

What Skill You Should Have Picked Up Instead

Actual fighting ability. Because if you just keep buying all the newest fighting video games, someone might come and try to steal them. Then what, hotshot? Will Astaroth smash your enemy with a giant axe? Will Yoshimitsu stab himself at your foes? At some point, you're going to want to be able to kick ass off-screen -- or at least stand up for yourself.

"Crap, where's the A button?"

1) The Sims

At least they're both thinking about eggs.

It's not a game that you ever really win, but that also means that it's not a game that you ever really stop playing. The Sims is one of those incredibly addictive immersive little antfarms where you just start playing with things, and then three hours later, you realize that you forgot to eat lunch.

What Skill You Should Have Picked Up Instead

Remedial Self Maintenence.

"I've got a sinking feeling I forgot something..."

Bet you'd have remembered to eat if you had a little bar over your head. But no, we don't bother learning how to wash dishes in real life, or attend to our emotional needs. No, we're too busy making sure the magic man on the screen has kept the house clean and is making an effort to communicate with the girl he likes and doesn't get fired from work. Maybe you should do that for yourself. If you spent half the time and mental energy on improving your own life that you did on The Sims, you might have created a life you'd really enjoy living every day.

So don't be ashamed about the fact that you didn't learn to play a real guitar. Instead, be ashamed that you're not a self-actualized military duck-hunting ass-kicking plumber with a hedgehog for a pet.

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