Board games aren't bad. They aren't great, but they aren't horrible, either. They're just sort of, I don't know, there.

In the world of entertainment, board games are like the old dying man that doesn't realize he's old and dying. How they've managed to hold on for so long is no real mystery: they butcher a superior medium and wear its skin, much like a serial killer. They've ruined telivision, they've ruined movies and of course, they've ruined video games.

6) Tetris

Tetris, the Russian art of stacking shit, invaded America in more ways than one. It wasn’t enough that the sounds of Korobeiniki could be heard playing from every Nintendo and Gameboy across the country. Milton Bradley decided we needed more tetrominoes in our non-video game lives and unleashed Tetris: The Video Game: The Board Game in 1989.

Tetris: Relentless.

In their limitless wisdom, Milton Bradley also determined that the board game should be as far removed from the original as possible. Players simultaneously reach for pieces, trying to fill their board up with the least number of open spaces, reaching the top before their opponent does. If you’re paying attention, this goal is the exact opposite of the original game. You may have also realized that this is quite possibly the world’s most straight-forward and unsatisfying puzzle. The only real upside to Tetris is that it’s over in a minute. When you take into consideration that the game breaks down into a flurry of fingernails and adult language fifteen seconds after you start, you will spend more time opening the box then you will actually playing it.

5) Street Fighter II – World Warriors

When looking for any evidence of the absense of a just and loving god, one need look no further than Street Fighter II. Did you know there’s at least six different Street Fighter IIs? And that’s just the original game. You’ve also got the Street Fighter II pinball machine, slot machine, and battle tops. Yeah, we may have gotten a little out of hand with it. Still, Parker Brothers had yet to lay their grubby hands on it. In 1994 they decided the best way to represent a fast-paced fighting game was to translate it into olde-timey card game.

World Warriors plays a lot like War, eliminating any need for special moves, strategy or any skill at all outside of shuffling. Players take turns placing fighters face down and revealing them. The character with the highest value wins the fight. Based on this simple mechanic you can deduce that the higher ups in Milton Bradley never actually played Street Fighter II.

I have no idea who the hell E. Hondo is, but given that he can easily topple both Guile and Bison with a single swing of his meaty arms, he’s probably going to win the tournament. And if you’re wondering why Ken is only a 1, it’s because he has severely limited mobility in those lovely feety pajamas he’s wearing. Hopefully they’ll correct that in World Warriors Turbo.

4) Berzerk

When my research lead to the discovery of a Berzerk board game, part of me died. I don’t care who designed it; whether you’re the Parker Brothers of the Wachowski brothers, there’s no way to adapt a murderous arcade game into a pansy-ass board game. The only way this could even shadow Berzerk is if the opening the box triggers a series of violent explosions. Nothing to see here, so let's move on.

But, just so you understand, this took two human lives.

3) Donkey Kong Country

Donkey Kong Country fans: have you been longing for a more hands on way to play your favorite game? Do you require more crocodile-pirate fighting in your everyday life? Is your only aspiration to become a member of the DK Crew?

Well fuck you. Have some POGS instead.

For all of five minutes, POGS were on top of the world. I don’t remember when those five minutes were exactly, but I’ll bet all my E. Hondo cards that it wasn’t in 1995. Still, Milton Bradley dared to dream and gave us the world’s first (only?) “target toss game.” If you’ve never heard of target tossing games before, it’s because they don't actually exist and MB is assuming you won’t do a Google search to figure that out. Throwing disc-shaped objects around is a game most of us play with Frisbees or spare change, usually with malicious intent and with no consideration for skillfully placed targets, housecats not withstanding.

2) Pole Position

Any board game enthusiast will tell you that there has never been a worth-while racing game. They’ll also tell you they’re incredibly lonely because they spend their days estimating the entertainment value of board games instead of forming meaningful relationships with other human beings. But that’s a story for another day.

When you read that a board game has “All the thrills and spills of the arcade game now in a cardboard format!” you are well within your legal rights to hunt down and savagely beat the liar who wrote it. However, Pole Position is different, mostly because Pole Position looks about as much like racing as Connect Four does.

Vroom vroom?

Players take turns following instructions on cards. If it says move three spaces, move three spaces. And that’s pretty much the extent of Pole Position. There’s no Dale Erndhart explosion card and the only real opposition is the occasional Rookie Driver, a car on the race track that never moves and forces you to shift to the next lane. It’s never explained why the rookie would simply stop moving in the middle of the race, so I’ll assume that this is the rapture and he was the only driver to accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior.

1) Super Mario Bros. Great Ladder Race

Speaking of racing, let’s chat about ladders.

Mario is a Jack of all trades. From plumbing, carpentry, gorilla slaying and just being super, Mario had several employment opportunities by 1989. So why, when converting the beloved hero to a table top game, would you have him race down a ladder in the most dangerous way possible?

Mario and his green-recolor Mario companion must resolve their differences with a good old Amish ladder race. Rather than start at the top and climb down quickly, the race is carried out by spinning the ladders as fast as possible, allowing their portly corpses to cling to each rung as the rapidly fall to the earth below. It’s dangerous, it doesn’t make a lick of sense and the only thing super about it would be the Mario’s ensuing paralysis once his back meets the cold, unloving steel of the Little Giant. Of course, this does play to the old adage: there are no true winners in a ladder race.

Stay safe, kids.

Post a Comment

User Comments (9)