I'll be perfectly honest with you. I'm from a generation where horror video games weren't expected to be scary. The scariest thing in my generation's horror video games were the Medusa heads, and that's only because seeing a Medusa head basically foretold you falling off a ledge after you spent twelve lives trying to jump on a fucking floating platform.
The last time I played a new horror video game was the first Resident Evil. And all I remember of Resident Evil was running into walls. I guess nowadays horror games have shit like creepy children bursting out of walls to compensate for the lack of flying decapitated zombie heads trying to save New York. It's the evolution of the genre. By the way, creepy children is a redundant phrase. All children are creepy.
7.) Monster Party
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System. Publisher: Bandai. Developer: Human Entertainment
Monster Party rolls out a hodgepodge of creatures that would be frightening as hell in real life, but appear significantly more stupid on a Nintendo Entertainment System. After all, Walking Pants would freak me out in real life, but when they're on my television screen they're significantly less so, and it's even worse that they have them programed to pace around blindly in a hallway that's a mile away.
6.) Ghoul School
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System. Publisher:Electro Brain. Developer: Imagineering.
Fright is measured in more ways than just aesthetics. Sure, Satan would be scary, but he'd be considerably less frightening if his weakness was hamburgers. Knowing Satan can be vanquished in much the same manner as Jughead dampers Satan's fear factor. Of course, Satan can't be vanquished with hamburgers. If that were true, my mother-in-law would have died years ago.
Ghoul School recounts the story of a student, Spike O'Hara , whose school has become infested with creatures. When they kidnap his girlfriend, Samantha, he hunts her down. For some people that sounds like a tragedy. For Scott Peterson, that's an opportunity.
I think I was supposed to write about video games. If you had no idea what this game was about, you still wouldn't.
5.) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Platform: Atari 2600. Publisher/Developer: Wizard Video.
It doesn't take much to scare me. I sleep with the sheets over my head. My thinking is that the aliens can't abduct me if the aliens can't see me. Of course, if the aliens are clever enough to find out how to transport themselves through space and to remove me from my room through solid walls, then they probably also have a device that can tell whether or not that shaking blanket has someone under it or not. Still, even I don't find Texas Chainsaw Massacre that frightening. Maniac with flesh-based mask hurling chainsaw which, according to the dimensions presented in the games, is the size of him, should be positively frightening. However, he's immobilized by walking into wheelchairs and dies when the gas runs out of his chainsaw.
4.) Zombie Nation
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System. Publisher:Meldac. Developer: KAZe.
From what I can tell, zombies don't traditionally fight aliens. They're far more concerned with deriving nutrition from humans than they are ridding our world of an other wordily entity. It's like being homeless and being depressed because the Yankees lost. For the most part, baseball shouldn't take priority over dinner as long as what you consider to be take out is the food that you take out of a dog bowl.
It's not entirely bad, I suppose, to have a heroic zombie head. After all, someone has to save us from the Statue of Liberty. It sure as hell won't be me, who will be under my covers, probably sobbing and abiding by my theory that if Statue of Liberty can't see me it can't blow fire on me. I plan to disregard this theory while I watch my genitals melt.
3.) Kid Dracula
Platform: Game Boy. Publisher/Developer: Konami.
Kid Dracula is the Teen Wolf of video games. Pint-sized monster with heart of gold beats equally adorable Frankenstein monsters and sun flowers wearing sunglasses.
The whole Kid Dracula/Teen Wolf concept shows promise, but as long as they're Muppet-Baby-ing imaginary characters, it won't progress far. That's why there needs to be Baby Charlie Manson.
2.) Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti
Platform: Famicom. Publisher/Developer: Namco.
Splatterhouse was terrifying. A slahser film gone interactive where the struggle between the morally good fought internally with a demonic force on the quest to rescue the helpless Jennifer. Guts and entrails, blood seeping from severed limbs. I was baby-sitting children once and they were so scared that they were locked inside of their rooms for the entire night. They weren't scared because of the game, they were scared because I had locked them in a room for the entire night. I wasn't even playing the game.
Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti transformed the deranged, demon-possessed Rick into the cutest little tike. It's not that scary. You want to see fear? Tell the kids you're baby-sitting, after they've been locked in a closet for six hours, that their parents won't be coming back for a week.
The charges were later dropped, by the way. Thank God for small miracles. Thank God for large ones, too.
1.) Zombies
Platform: Commodore 64.
Lure the zombies into the open graves. Last as long as you can. Repeat for high score. Ball is you. Asterisks are the zombies. Squares are graves. It's not that the game isn't awesome (as is the case for all these games), it's just that balls don't frighten me. Well, usually. If I saw my grandmother with balls, I have to admit that it would shake me up something fierce.
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