Power Ups and special abilities have been a part of video games ever since Pac Man popped his first power pellet and started trippin’ balls, man. With video games taking place in fantasy worlds where anything can happen, there are seemingly endless possibilities for fun and creative perks, and often times, they are just that. Other times, whether it’s a notable design flaw, limited usefulness or being just plain stupid, power-ups just seem to miss the mark.

#7. Fake Death/Revival Pills (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater)

The Skinny: Solid Snake is a firm believer of always being prepared. You never know when you’re going to need a crocodile-shaped hat, or multiple variations on the cardboard box or, in this case, the ability to fake one’s death. Pop in this bad-boy and Snake’s entire body catches a case of the deadsies. When time comes to, you know, live again, all Snake has to do is chomp down on the revival pill hidden in his teeth and it’s back to breaking necks.

The Problem: Here at Gameist, we don’t pretend we’re experts in human physiology, but there are still a few basics of being dead that we can be pretty sure we have a firm grasp on which seem to imply this pill isn’t the greatest idea. Sure, the thought of rising zombie-like to seek vengeance on the guard that sat back and watched you expire is a pretty awesome one, but how exactly is Snake going to do that?

See, as a general rule, dead people can’t really move. Like, at all. That leaves a pretty glaring hole in the design process of this fine pill, primarily, with a pill designed to render its consumer dead-to-the-world, how is Snake supposed to move to release the revival meds?

Being a super-secret spyssassin is a dangerous job but it at least comes with the perk of, most-likely, dying an entirely heroic and bad-ass death. Somehow lying on your back in a state of paralysis while a self-imbibed pill slowly kills you for real doesn’t seem to qualify.

#6. Punch (A Boy and His Blob)

The Skinny: A Boy and His Blob is the story of a boy and his blob, further illustrating how thoroughly lacking video games were in the field of nomenclature originality in the industry’s baby years. As was the norm, the boy is out to destroy an evil baddy bent on making everybody’s life suck, and helping him do so is the blob, which can turn into various tools through the aid of delicious jelly beans. One such ability is activated when the boy happens to toss in a punch-flavored bean, turning the blob into a hole. (Get it? Hole -- punch! That’s high comedy, folks.)

The Problem: While some of these power-ups have found there way here through being useless, and others take a fair amount of dramatic license in determining how certain items work, only Punch-flavored jelly beans seek to defy even the most basic principles of the universe, namely by an entity turning into a hole.

If you don’t understand what’s wrong about that, go get some silly putty and place it on your desk, then form it into a hole in the desk. Did that work out for you? No, of course it didn’t, and you’re stupid for even having tried. Get yourself a power drill and maybe we’ll talk.

#5. Goomba’s Shoe (Super Mario Brothers 3)

The Skinny: The least common of all Mario-related power ups, Goomba’s Shoes allow Mario to safely traverse dangerous terrain, and pointy enemies, all while looking like a present trying desperately to escape Santa’s sack.

The Problem: Look, it would be really easy to make fun of the nonsensical nature of many of the power-ups in the third installment of Nintendo’s flagship franchise, which is precisely why I’m going to take time to do so now. Maybe things are different on the no-doubt sprawling Nintendo compound, but in the rest of the world, raccoons don’t fly, and the only fiery discharge that comes from eating mysterious plants isn’t coming from anywhere that’s family-game appropriate.

Still, at least one could argue those make sense within the mythos of the Mushroom Kingdom, and the resulting powers are at least fairly awesome. Goomba’s Shoes, on the other hand, allow you to live out every child’s fantasy – hopping around in a used shoe, formerly owned by a mushroom. I don’t care how many lizard kings you save a princess from, there is no way to get that level of stink off of Mario enough where she would even consider talking to our plumber friend. What’s more, why is Mario able to fit his entire person inside one shoe belonging to a race of creatures small enough to be crushed beneath his rotund self?

Seriously, Goomba, you look ridiculous in that shoe. You’re not fooling the ladies.

No, no, no, Nintendo, this isn’t making a lick of sense.

#4. Superspicy Curry (Super Smash Brothers Brawl)

The Skinny: Like its predecessors, the latest installment of Nintendo’s fisticuffs franchise is at no shortage for power ups to be picked up and used against that son-of-a-bitch Wario, and in the vein of the classic flower comes Superspicy Curry. Once eaten, your character begins to uncontrollably belch fire because, well, curry is spicy as hell.

The Problem: There’s room for debate on either end about whether the curry is more powerful than a flower. On the one hand, the curry allows you to continue striking while lighting your opponent up. On the other hand, despite what official descriptions might imply, it’s not always your mouth that’ll be spewing fire.

Ouch.

Given that Nintendo prides itself on being a family-friendly gaming company, you can’t help but question the judgment behind a power-up which will allow Mario to shoot fire from down below directly into the Princess’ face.

Then again, it is Japan.

#3. Teddy Bear (River City Ransom)

The Skinny: Billed as a combination of Double Dragon styled brawlers and RPG’s, River City Ransom sees the oft-recycled soccer-playing/dodgeballing/street-fighting Kunio take on various city gangs en-route to rescuing his girlfriend. Along the way he encounters numerous purchasable goodies, most manly among the group, a teddy bear, which somehow improves his max power, strength and stamina.

The Problem: I’ve owned more stuffed creatures of one variety or another in my life than any heterosexual male ever should. One thing I never noticed when in possession of one of them was a sudden increase in fighting ability. I’m not saying in the long term I can’t see how a teddy bear could prove useful. A high school guy who takes to carrying around a stuffed animal is sure to get plenty of experience in fighting. As far as immediate effects go however, an increase of strength is out of the question. At best, you might be able to hope for a small tactical advantage as your opponents struggle to see through the tears from laughing so very hard at the street-fighter coming at them with a stuffed Smokey.

On the bright side, at least some points have to be given to the guy that suggested Teddy Bear as a purchasable upgrade for picking an item that designers knew how to spell.

Yum, antedote.

#2. Rewind (Madden 09)

The Skinny: Football is a difficult game. That’s why guys like Braylon Edwards get paid millions of dollars per season to (theoretically) catch a bag of air on television. So, what better way to add a little forgiveness to the world of football than borrowing from its athletic brother, golf, with a little mulligan action? We can only assume that was the reasoning behind the implementation of the Replay system in Madden ’09, which allows the user a pre-determined amount of do-overs to spend on entirely replaying a snap.

The Problem: On a cold December day in 1972, hope seemed to be fading for the upstart Pittsburgh Steelers as a 4th down pass fluttered to the ground in the game’s final seconds. Suddenly, Franco Harris scooped the ball out of the air at the last second, scampering down the sidelines for a game-winning touchdown, sending the hometown fans into a frenzy. That is, until Oakland Raiders coach John Madden used his team’s final rewind to negate the reception and, after forcing an incompletion on the re-try, propelled the Raiders on to the next round of the playoffs.

Tough luck, Franco.

Oh wait, that last part never happened, because football doesn’t have do-overs, no matter how much it would have helped EA’s titular telestrator-enthusiast in his coaching days.

On the other hand, the addition of mulligans to the sport’s premiere simulation franchise does provide a little intrigue for what new innovation EA will improve football with next. Here’s hoping for 5:00 major penalties for facemasks!

#1 Top Spin (Mega Man III)

The Skinny: Like most of Mega Man’s power-ups, Top Spin is acquired through the utter decimation, and subsequent soul consumption, of one of Mega Man’s robotic foes. While it’s a little hard to decipher from the title, Top Spin allows Mega Man to spin. Like a top. In theory, he would use this spinning to deliver an extra-hard slap or something.

The Problem: Frankly, it’s hard to imagine enemies gave much respect to the fallen Top Man when they saw the mighty ability Mega Man was able to absorb from him. This is a robot who, just one game prior, was treated to a weapon of mass destruction in the form of Metal Man’s blades, and what does he get in return for beating Top Man? A pirouette.

Now, admittedly, not every weapon Mega Man can earn in his repeated battles with Dr. Wily’s hilariously inept creations can be a winner. Gamers came to accept the occasional Water Balloon and the inevitable sprite-swapped shield power-up from designers because these were still the people that gave them those same Metal Blades, and made them have a nearly inexhaustible stock. Still, there’s a certain level of self respect that players expect to maintain when gaming, and sending their character at enemies while twirling like a ballet dancer is a bit much, and pretending a spin is the ultimate in robot-slaying technique is just insulting.

The United States’ secret anti-Terminator force.

How does that even constitute a power-up for the blue wonder? It’s not at all a weapon; it’s just a couple of turns strung together. We know Mega Man knows how to turn, did he really need to kill one of his brethren to learn to do it more than once in succession?

Post a Comment

User Comments (7)