Your life sucks. It's not going to get better. But you don't care. You have a good perspective on things. You're not about to let life get under your skin. You turned that frown upside down. It's not like you had that much of a choice. You were getting a swirlie.
7.) Your Lack of Athleticism
In video games... You're a football star, the MVP of the Super Bowl. You ran for 3,000 yards. You threw for twice that many yards. You had an undefeated season. No one online even dares to play with you, because the last time you did, the four-year-old cried when told him that "You're just like your mother, you're so easy to sack."
In real life... You can't throw a ball. Well, you can, but not far enough to be construed as a throw. It's still better than you trying to catch. You were picked last on your JV football team, and even then everyone on that team bitched about it. You only played one game. And in that one game, you totally missed the ball but were so excited that you ran it into the end zone anyway. Your sobbing was audible in the locker room, but that didn't deter any of the other players from calling you a loser. By the time you finally put your clothes on, it was dark and you missed the bus ride home. You had to walk. You got a ride from a stranger but you soon realized when you entered the car that the ride he wanted to give you wasn't the kind of ride that would get you home.
6.) Your Lack of Bravery
In video games... You perform combos in Street Fighter IV with blistering speed. You can Sonic Boom with a flick of your finger. You can execute a fatality on anyone, humiliating the most pathetic of individuals by ripping off their limbs.
In real life... You run from puppies and hide under the blankets. You're scared of a physical confrontation with that guy whom you've been "punking out" on a forum, which you did because you never thought he'd be able to find out who you actually are. He did. He did and he found your address, and when he came to your door, you fucking fled. Of course, you feld right into him. The only Sonic Boom you made was the one in your pants, and while completely different than the one in Street Fighter IV, it did cause the guy to retreat.
5.) Your Lack of Prioritizing
In video games... you unlock everything. You even unlocked everything in Street Fighter IV. It took six straight weeks. You took off of work.
In real life... You can't unlock your front door because the landlord took your "not paying rent this month because I lost my job" personally. And you lost your job because you took six weeks off to play Street Fighter IV. And you played Street Fighter IV for six straight weeks, because if you went outside you'd get your ass beat by that forum member who took "If I ever see you, I will beat the shit out of you" seriously. You have to sneak into your house by breaking a window.
4.) Your Lack of Intelligence
In video games... You leveled your character up so high that his HP is 999 and his intelligence is maxed out. He's so smart that he can rearrange the fabric of space and time by performing spells of massive annihilation on your enemies.
In real life... You can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're" and can't seem to grasp the concept of a comma. Still, this doesn't dissuade you from leaving comments on the forums that read, "You always suck your ass" instead of "You always suck. You're an ass." You finished high school. That's when you found out that you had no ambition. You're 42 and you bombarded comments on forums with "U SUK." You write like everything is an acronym. SUK isn't a word. Neither is pwned, but that didn't stop you from writing it on every job application you could get your hands on. "I'd pwned u," you jotted down under talents.
3.) Your Inability to Be an Elf
In video games... You're Link, defender of Hyrule. You collected the three pieces of the Triforce and rescued Zelda. You're brave, facing adversity head-on without fear, and you killed Gannon in record time.
In real life... You think you're Link. You bought an elf costume and you wield the sword of the toilet paper roll. You wore a cape to the mall. But someone ripped it off of you. You thought that was awful, and that life couldn't get worse. You were wrong. Someone ripped off your underwear. And still, that wasn't even as bad as when you tried to cast a spell in the mall. And even trying to cast a spell didn't compare to that time you tried talking to a girl.
The doctor says she may never be the same. It was difficult, at first, to learn Braille, but she's doing better.
2.) Your Lack of Sex
In video games... You're married, a sex god, a real lover.
In real life... You can barely turn on your PlayStation 3.
And when you do, the only plugging it ever wants is into the electrical socket. You had sex with it anyway, and have regretted it ever since.
1.) Your Vulnerability
In video games... You are a real six-shooter. In Halo, you're unstoppable. No one can touch you.
In real life... The guy who gave you a ride touched you. All over. When the police man asked you to point to the part on the teddy bear where he placed his hands, you told him, "It'd take less time to just show where he didn't touch me." You then pointed to the bear's heart and wept.
— The Son of a Bit,
Jonathan Plombon
Carlos(8 months ago)
I also hate that in real life the only thing you get for breaking a box with a crowbar is a broken box.
lol(8 months ago)
Your life must suck Jonathan! The fact that you are a loser in real life and have to blog about it online only solidifies the fact that you are a loser not only virtually but in reality. Just because you are lonely and unloved (which is obvious why) does not mean you need to create an article showing of your obvious sexual frustration and lack of intelligence to write a well thought out informative piece of literature.
JOhn Davis(8 months ago)
Good stuff dude, well done!
RT
www.privacy.at.tc
Julia Roberts(8 months ago)
Yes off course i m agree to you and games give us real environment to release our tension ......
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ZeldaFiend(8 months ago)
I loved this! Made me laugh out loud and I'm at work.
Great job.
tadtheman(8 months ago)
wow thissistupid..... url is my semi pro football team wish i would have never seen this on digg i wont be back to this site again but the people writing here is "retar what not worth it
www.rcgladiators.com
Gayness(8 months ago)
U SUK..... this article was great.
Matthew(8 months ago)
Hahaha, This is awesome. I really enjoyed the last remark ""It'd take less time to just show where he didn't touch me." You then pointed to the bear's heart and wept." These are great, keep it up and i hope to see more.
Ken Innins(8 months ago)
Hahahaha! Great job! Looks like you touched the nerves of some losers, who retaliate by telling you that you suck.
HK(8 months ago)
Dude, you should be writing for Cracked.com!
LiteracyPolice(8 months ago)
Quote** "tadtheman" wrote: wow thissistupid..... url is my semi pro football team wish i would have never seen this on digg i wont be back to this site again but the people writing here is "retar what not worth it
Did you actually try to convey a complete thought somewhere within those misspelled words?
Most people here do not speak "Retardo" language.
LiteracyPolice(8 months ago)
Quote** "lol" wrote: Your life must suck Jonathan! The fact that you are a loser in real life and have to blog about it online only solidifies the fact that you are a loser not only virtually but in reality. Just because you are lonely and unloved (which is obvious why) does not mean you need to create an article showing of your obvious sexual frustration and lack of intelligence to write a well thought out informative piece of literature.
Before you go correcting people about their literary accuracies, you should proof read your own post.
EXAMPLE: "Just because you are lonely and unloved (which is obvious why) does not mean you need to create an article showing of your obvious sexual frustration and lack of intelligence to write a well thought out informative piece of literature."
There should be a comma behind unloved, <<<< SEE
"(which is obvious why)" Should be (which is obviously why) <<<<<SEE, where is the ly at?
LiteracyPolice(8 months ago)
**Continued**
"does not mean you need to create an article showing of your obvious"
The word "of" does not belong in this disjointed, fragmented statement.
"a well thought out informative piece of literature.
" There should be a comma after the word "out"
Did you really have the nerve to use the term "lack of intelligence" to decribe anyone other than yourself?
You can't put three sentences together; yet you have the audacity to point a finger at someone
else?
GROW UP "lol" YOUR A NOOB
Tas(8 months ago)
HAHAHA wow good stuff. and for the that guy talkin shit about you, hes probably just mad for being that kid who was touched all over.
Jonathan Swift(8 months ago)
Once you again sarcasm fails on the Internet.
LiteracyPolice(8 months ago)
Quote** Jonathan Swift Wrote:
Once you again sarcasm fails on the Internet.
Everyone of the people flaming this tread come from the same gene pool.
Why did you put the word "you" in your very informative post?
Jonathan Swift if you represent the work of our public school systems; please go to a private institution.
Boogs(8 months ago)
After reading a few of the post above me, it looks like the article hit a little too close to home for a few folks. Nice. BTW i have 16k HP and my spell power is devastating.
Caxal(8 months ago)
LiteracyPolice... should be two words, not one.
Literacy Police. <<<<<<<<< SEE
Number2(8 months ago)
ROFL, Good stuff. Loved it!
Tom(8 months ago)
Wow, lots of people appear to think satire is a monser in God of War.
puddleofgravy.blogspot.com
On our podcast we are always finding ourselves making embarrassing videogames/real life comparisons. I'd love your thoughts.
aterik(8 months ago)
Hahaha, This is awesome. I really enjoyed the last remark ""It'd take less time to just show where he didn't touch me." You then pointed to the bear's heart and wept." These are great, keep it up and i hope to see more..
Kevin Lui(8 months ago)
This is hilarious! Especially at "Your Lack of Intelligence".
Anon(8 months ago)
http://www.gamesradar.com/f/videogames-versus-the-real-world/a-20090218111152244033
http://www.gamesradar.com/f/videogames-versus-the-real-world-second-showdown/a-20090226102419737068
Malcolm Christiansen(8 months ago)
Hey look! It's two articles nothing like this one!
Dymetreus(8 months ago)
Alright, I personally liked this by the way, very cute. But "lol", yes there's a guy named "lol" that previously made a rant that a guy made a JOKE about Games being better then real life. Yes, this looser known as "lol" took this seriously, and probably offensively. lol..Get a life. As for this post, bravo. :)
Dude its a joke get the dick out of your ass, lol.(8 months ago)
@lol
You must be one of three things:
1. In denial about how much your life sucks, so you found an excuse to insult people on the internet who are only trying to amuse others, not get flamed by overcompensating assholes.
2. You were actually the inspiration for the person he described 'in real life' in this article, and you made a pathetic attempt at insulting the author of it.
3. You're just generally a condescending ass. Of course there are no shortage of these on the internet, but you're now a member of a much-hated group of people looked down upon by the rest of society.
Lien Nguyen(8 months ago)
Thanks for my daily morning cup of win+lol.
Arias(8 months ago)
Lol, it happens, you think that you got the power of doing things that
you watch at video games.
The only thing that I have been able to do is to beat somebody who
was pissing me off at messenger ^^
Johnarchy(8 months ago)
Gotta say, great post! Funny and greatly depressing for anybody like me. That being said, after reading this I laughed and then felt really bad about myself. Then I read the comments... then felt REALLY good about myself. Why is it all your "critics" can't seem to be able to read at a 4th grade level?
Don't let the Net'Tards get ya down, we all know most of them are basement dwelling, chronically mastubating, momma's-boy hate mongers andyway.
Keep up the good work.
PcGamesGalaxy(8 months ago)
There's one reason why real life it's better then video gaming which it's social life and of course,WOMAN!
Joe Bob(8 months ago)
[quote]
Quote** Jonathan Swift Wrote:
Once you again sarcasm fails on the Internet.
Everyone of the people flaming this tread come from the same gene pool.
Why did you put the word "you" in your very informative post?
Jonathan Swift if you represent the work of our public school systems; please go to a private institution.
[/quote]
fixed
Every one of the people flaming this thread come from the same gene pool.
Anonymous(7 months ago)
The great thing about my life isn't the fact that it sucks; it's showing everyone online that it does.
desktopartist(7 months ago)
this was an amazingly funny post. those people who criticize this post are probably those who need to loosen up a bit and needs to start laughing at themselves (though i understand why they don't).
keep up the good work man.
Menchi(6 months ago)
Mostly funny; The child abuse parts though? Not so much.
(_ary(6 months ago)
LOL this is so fucking funny. Good shit
Smitty(6 months ago)
This is one of the funniest things I've read in awhile. If you are complaining about this articles, then you're the person he is describing and you're sad about it.
Jasmino924(6 months ago)
Friggin' hilarious! Great post Jonathan!
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