The minute I read the title, "8 Enemies That Have Fucked You Over," I immediately saw the word fucked and began to figure out how to turn several paragraphs into nothing but buildup for a non-sequitur pun about someone's mother. Something like, "You know, I can think of at least 23 enemies that have fucked your mom over... kitchen counters, sinks, stoves, and beds." I eventually decided against it.
I remain committed to my pledge to actually compose an informative article this week. However, I pledged that last week and last week I wrote about turning Charles Manson into a Muppet Baby. I don't hold out much hope for it, like when I'm confronted with...
8.) Birds, Medusa Heads, and Flying Enemies
Examples: Castlevania 3, Ninja Gaiden.
You know that bird will attack. That's half the problem. It's like meeting singles in Yahoo! Sex chat rooms. You know it's a guy. You don't want to admit it. You want to think that you may actually have a girl that's interested in you. You want SexyVeronica675 to be a real woman. You want it so badly that you viewed SexyVeronica675's Web cam. In fact, you wanted it so badly that even when you saw a balding, overweight male you still asked, "Can you ask that guy to move away from the camera so I can see you?"
That bird will hit you. You know it will happen. You see it coming. It will push your character off a cliff. You don't want to admit it. You don't want to admit that even though you're ducking down, ready to pounce, you'll miss wildly. You want there to be a chance.
Pointless rambling... You ever wonder why enemies can hurt you when touched but not vice versa? Why doesn't the Medusa head go flying when you collide with it? You want to know something about the title? All enemies fuck you over. And you know what? You don't care. SexyVeronica675 is a nice person and it's not like you don't have the time.
7.) Ice
Examples: Mega Man, Super Mario 3.
It can be argued that ice isn't an enemy. I don't know who'd bother getting that riled up about it to actually retort it, but then again there are debates of whether or not Kirk and Spock were gay on Star Trek so I'm sure it can't be that difficult to find someone who finds my categorization of ice just as offensive.
In regards to my argument for its inclusion on this list, let me put it this way. When people ask me if I drink to get drunk, I say, "Well, I don't drink to get sober." If you ever asked ice if it's there to kill me, it'd probably answer, "Well, I'm not here to give him a hand" or even a series of dots because it's fucking ice and it can't talk.
6.) Snipers
Examples: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Super Mario Bros. 3.
They're the enemies that are always out of your range. For example, take the small Native American child in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. This little bastard is placed where even your longest-distanced weapon won't hit him. There's no real place to hide, since you're in jeopardy of being sunk down a whirlpool, or worse, being hit by a bird.
Snipers are smarter than you'll ever be. They found the one spot where you'll be immune to damage, while you found the one spot that you're the most susceptible to death.
5.) The Steps in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Examples: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Forgive my self-indulgence on this one. While most of you have encountered a troubling ice stage or a pesky sniper, few of you have probably ventured far enough in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to encounter this nuisance. See, as mundane as those steps are in the photo, they're actually a hazard. If you walk backwards into the steps, you will fall through them.
It's only fair to be able to tell an enemy from the ground. But this is the most ass of all enemies. It's a pit that masquerades as a step. Sometimes masquerades are pleasant surprises. Like the one I took my new boyfriend to last week.
4.) Disappearing Platforms.
Examples: Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link, Double Dragon 2: The Revenge
The worst disappearing platforms are those that deteriorate upon contact. They're teases. They're like your best friend's sister. She leads you on, all walking out of the shower without clothes, leaving her underwear drawer unoccupied when she's away at work, giving you ample opportunity to steal several pairs. And then when you ask her out on a date, even though you've sniffed every pair she's allowed you to steal, she's already called the police.
Deteriorating bridges are also like your best friend's sister in this way: they can only take so much before you never see them again. However, unlike your best friend's sister, they're far too loose for your own good.
Disappearing platforms, especially in Double Dragon 2, are a bitch. Incidentally, that's also what you now think of your best friend's sister.
3.) Pits
Examples: Robocop 2, Super Mario 3.
This all leads to one of the most, um, fucking-over enemy ever. Holes. They go nowhere. And for some unknown reason, you choose to jump over them instead of just walking around them (but to be fair, according to your perspective, it doesn't look like they ever end). There are many types of holes. What type of hole is a video-game hole? Well, just like most of the people I went to high school with, ass. That's right. It's an asshole.
2.) The Enemies Clinging to the Ceiling in a Side-Scrolling Shooter
Examples: Gradius
You can't shoot the fucker. It's above you. You need a vertical shot. You don't have a vertical shot. You have to press up against the roof and fire, but since touching anything and everything will kill you, you have to cradle the space between the ceiling and that slim fraction of air that will give you a clear shot. And by that time you actually manage to achieve this position, you're dead anyway, because there's shit behind you too. That one enemy is bad enough, but it's even worse since your biggest obstacle is...
1.) The Entire Screen in a Shooter.
Examples: Gradius, R-Type.
See that mountain? That will kill you. See those blasts of fire? That will kill you. See those trees at the bottom of the screen? They will not kill you. But that thing hiding in the tree will.
— The Son of a Bit,
Jonathan Plombon
JK(11 months ago)
OMG FIRST!!!! Great article.
PDG1(11 months ago)
Golden article...
really brought me back to all the reasons I could only play Video games an hour at a time when i was a kid.
even more recently in modern games...
Those fucking bastards in racing games that wait till the last second to fire all the shit they have in their arsenal when you're on the last stretch of the course!
Ef Rodriguez(11 months ago)
Side-scrolling shooters always stressed me out.
Kurtis(11 months ago)
Great article, spot on. Made me chuckle too!
Dan(11 months ago)
you are trying WAY too hard to be funny, and it honestly just comes across as kind of sad.
the eight enemies were chosen well, though.
Shinobi(7 months ago)
Nice list, but I have the one that should have been Number One that you missed (you're welcome).
The Unfairly Inflated Opponent
Examples: RC Pro AM Racing, Tecmo Bowl
You know who I'm talking about. In RC Pro Am, watching that yellow car, knowing that once he edges around you, the next time you'll see him is when he's lapping you, because for some reason the game has invested that bastard with half again your speed. And once he's off the screen? Forget about it. Or in Tecmo Bowl, watching Bo Jackson or Emmit Smith bounce eight of your teammates off his heels, walk right through your brilliant open-field tackle and outrun your defensive backs. Hey, we know A.I. wasn't there yet to make credible challenges easily, but losing to the computer again and again just felt cheap when the odds were stacked so heavily against you by THAT GUY. That guy, who plays using a whole different set of rules than you do in the name of "being challenging".
louis vuitton(4 months ago)
you have come to the right place! We are leading supplier of all kinds of REPLICA WATCHES.
crocodile birkin(3 months ago)
Very interesting post. Thanks again.. Please Keep it Up!!
replica watches(2 months ago)
Ever wise to the “violence = sales” concept, publishers remade the game for the NES in 1990, ensuring that another generation would enjoy the glory that is running down living beings with a terrifying death machine. As an added bonus, no-doubt in an effort to ensure its eventual place atop this list, the NES version did away with all the ambiguity and made it perfectly clear that it was a development-dwelling human being’s life you were ending with every smash.
replica soccer jersey(2 months ago)
Taking the helm of a killtastic car, the player is tasked with running over as many “gremlins” as possible before inevitably dying themselves. Parents seemed to think the gremlins were strikingly human in appearance, and that the game was programming their children to be murder factories. In defense of those parents, the graphics were earth-shatteringly impressive.
replica watches(2 months ago)
See that mountain? That will kill you. See those blasts of fire? That will kill you. See those trees at the bottom of the screen? They will not kill you. But that thing hiding in the tree will.
replica watches(2 months ago)
The Son of a Bit,
Jonathan Plombon
Cheap Uggs Sale(2 months ago)
<a href="http://www.llikeonline.com/ugg-lo-pro-button-boots-c-41.html" title="ugg lo pro boots sale">UGG Lo Pro</a> is one of the special products. The best product for this is <a href="http://www.llikeonline.com/ugg-rainier-c-43.html" title="ugg rainier boots">UGG Rainier</a> and Stain Repellent. Unfortunately, discolorations from, or caused by, another protective product may void <a href="http://www.llikeonline.com/ugg-classic-short-c-48.html" title="ugg short boots >ugg short boots</a> one year warranty.
UGGS CARDY BOOTS(2 months ago)
<a href="http://www.mytobling.com/ugg-new-arrival-c-49.html">Ugg New arrival</a> have been in existence since the 1970's.The <<a href="http://www.mytobling.com/ugg-ultra-short-boots-c-42.html">Ultra Short Uggs</a> became popular when surfers in Australia realized that these <a href="http://www.mytobling.com/ugg-bags-c-46.html">Chocolate Ugg Bags</a> served the purpose of quickly warming their feet as needed.
Cheap Paul Smith Brands(2 months ago)
Pure black has a Boundless strength. The style is to win warm praise from customerm. Many men love this one. And it is selling well all over the world. <a href="http://www.newpaulsmith.com/paul-smith-cufflinks-c-515.html">Paul Smith Cufflinks</a> and <a href="http://www.newpaulsmith.com/pual-smith-scarves-with-colorful-hackle-mark-silk-and-cotton-p-22072.html">paul smith scarf</a>
Do you like it? If you do that. Don't hesitate any more. Contact us immediately, we will offer you the best service!
Valuable Timberland Boots(2 months ago)
Your choices are unlimited <a href="http://www.ttptimberland.com/timberland-3-eye-boat-shoe-c-827.html">Timberland 3 Eye Boat Shoe</a> colors and styles. Why not choose, each a different snow equipment?If you like short, a short guide you will love <a href="http://www.ttptimberland.com/timberland-mens-6-inch-boots-c-819.html">timberland 6 inch boots</a>. Their short length, just below the ankle and has a flat, rubber soles. Or maybe you prefer one of many crochet style of <a href="http://www.ttptimberland.com/timberland-mens-chukka-boots-c-828.html">timberland chukka boot</a>.
air max 90(2 months ago)
Taking the helm of a killtastic car, the player is tasked with running over as many “gremlins” as possible before inevitably dying themselves. Parents seemed to think the gremlins were strikingly human in appearance, and that the game was programming their children to be murder factories. In defense of those parents, the graphics were earth-shatteringly impressive.
air max 90(2 months ago)
Great article, spot on. Made me chuckle too!
uggs on sale(2 months ago)
Nice post here. It does make senses, appreciate for sharing.
air max 90(1 month ago)
See that mountain? That will kill you. See those blasts of fire? That will kill you. See those trees at the bottom of the screen? They will not kill you. But that thing hiding in the tree will.
air max 90(1 month ago)
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-180-c-15.html
http://airmax-shoe.com/airmax-87-c-2.html
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-90-c-3.html
air max 90(1 month ago)
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-stucture-c-11.html
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-skyline-c-12.html
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-stab-c-13.html
kamagra(1 month ago)
thanks
m65 jacket(1 month ago)
good read
ugg classic short(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!
If you know Genuine UGG Boots,welcome to our UGG SALE IN DISCOUNT ONLINE STORE.All Genuine UGG Boots in our Classic Collection feature a soft foam insole covered with genuine sheepskin and have a molded EVA light and flexible outsole designed for refreshing comfort with every step.Thank you for your understanding and support!
herve leger dress(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!
Anyway,Welcome to herve leger online store .The Fashionable dress world!The bandage herve leger dress continues to the classic impression of the brand.
The new style and designer of the brand standing out your matchless stature.Wearing it,you will be more sexy and graceful.If so offended, please forgive me^^!
ghd hair straighteners(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!The ghd straighteners technology also can make the hair iron heat quickly and maintain the temperature.GHD hair straighteners are called the best hair straighteners on the market.
Thank you for your understanding and support!
Timberland boots(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!Here is Timberland boots world. We offer Various Fashionable styles Timberland Boots for your choice. such as 6 Inch Waterproof Boots,Timberland Custom Shoes,Timberland Premium Classic Boots,Timberland Roll-Top Boots etc.Free &Fast Shipping Worldwide ! Thank you for your understanding and support!
herve leger dress(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!
Anyway,Welcome to herve leger online store .The Fashionable dress world!The bandage herve leger dress continues to the classic impression of the brand.
The new style and designer of the brand standing out your matchless stature.Wearing it,you will be more sexy and graceful.If so offended, please forgive me^^!
herve leger dress(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!
Anyway,Welcome to herve leger online store .The Fashionable dress world!The bandage herve leger dress continues to the classic impression of the brand.
The new style and designer of the brand standing out your matchless stature.Wearing it,you will be more sexy and graceful.If so offended, please forgive me^^!
ghd mk4 straighteners(1 month ago)
Ghd mk4 straighteners quickly became the essential hair product for anyone with even the slightest frizz in their hair!The range of ghd stylers is ever expanding and improving;The latest limited edition GHD Styler to be released is the GHD Precious fantastic metallic silver and black styler which is available now in a fabulous GHD Gift Set. This new Pink Set comes in a sizzling new baby pink. The 2009 mk4 ghd pink comes with a really lovely looking heat proof pouch. Use the price guide below to find the best online deals for the ghd Pretty in pink hair straighteners.
tiffany jewelry(1 month ago)
Tiffany & Co is the hot pick of many people. Tiffany is a brand name around the world. Whether used as a gift or bought for oneself, Tiffany jewelry will never make people embarrassed.for the delicate design and unique style.we all loves it very much.tiffany jewelry where high distinctive and exquisite quality sterling silver Tiffany jewelry and satisfied customers always come first. silverheight is Special.Maybe the tiffany rings is my best love!tiffany engagement rings aslo the most beautiful jewelry.i like it very much for the charming style and unique design.the most important that its very delicate.both excellent in quality and resonable in price.
Abercrombie And Fitch(1 month ago)
Abercrombie succeeded for years by selling at prices sometimes twice its competitors' and refusing to discount. When the recession made that approach untenable,
70-290 latest dumps(3 weeks ago)
The Entire Screen in a Shooter may be one which hit the most.
dumps for 70-536(3 weeks ago)
May there is some thing that we are not longer wanted any more
shanwow(2 weeks ago)
It's very good post!You ve got a point there.You said is right. I believe that to be completed.
louis vuitton(2 weeks ago)
it's funny
abercrombie and fitch(6 days ago)
From the leisure clothing brand abercrombie and fitch some brand history, today in online ran, to share.abercrombie interesting (in almost every creative in change.
tiffany(6 days ago)
<a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong>Tiffany</strong></a>, Queen's <a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong>Tiffany jewellery</strong></a> industry, diamond and silver products known world.<a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong>Tiffany uk</strong></a> was founded in 1837, the beginning of silver tableware is known,<a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong><a href="http://www.gstaronsale.com/g-star-mens-accessories.html"><strong>G Star Accessories</strong></a>.and <a href="http://www.shamwowonsale.com"><strong>shamwow</strong></a>.the wind reputation for nearly two<a href="http://www.iphonerevolution.co.uk"><strong>iphone revolution</strong></a>
mbt shoes(1 day ago)
Golden article...
really brought me back to all the reasons I could only play Video games an hour at a time when i was a kid.