The minute I read the title, "8 Enemies That Have Fucked You Over," I immediately saw the word fucked and began to figure out how to turn several paragraphs into nothing but buildup for a non-sequitur pun about someone's mother. Something like, "You know, I can think of at least 23 enemies that have fucked your mom over... kitchen counters, sinks, stoves, and beds." I eventually decided against it.

I remain committed to my pledge to actually compose an informative article this week. However, I pledged that last week and last week I wrote about turning Charles Manson into a Muppet Baby. I don't hold out much hope for it, like when I'm confronted with...

8.) Birds, Medusa Heads, and Flying Enemies

Examples: Castlevania 3, Ninja Gaiden.

You know that bird will attack. That's half the problem. It's like meeting singles in Yahoo! Sex chat rooms. You know it's a guy. You don't want to admit it. You want to think that you may actually have a girl that's interested in you. You want SexyVeronica675 to be a real woman. You want it so badly that you viewed SexyVeronica675's Web cam. In fact, you wanted it so badly that even when you saw a balding, overweight male you still asked, "Can you ask that guy to move away from the camera so I can see you?"

That bird will hit you. You know it will happen. You see it coming. It will push your character off a cliff. You don't want to admit it. You don't want to admit that even though you're ducking down, ready to pounce, you'll miss wildly. You want there to be a chance.

Pointless rambling... You ever wonder why enemies can hurt you when touched but not vice versa? Why doesn't the Medusa head go flying when you collide with it? You want to know something about the title? All enemies fuck you over. And you know what? You don't care. SexyVeronica675 is a nice person and it's not like you don't have the time.

7.) Ice

Examples: Mega Man, Super Mario 3.

It can be argued that ice isn't an enemy. I don't know who'd bother getting that riled up about it to actually retort it, but then again there are debates of whether or not Kirk and Spock were gay on Star Trek so I'm sure it can't be that difficult to find someone who finds my categorization of ice just as offensive.

In regards to my argument for its inclusion on this list, let me put it this way. When people ask me if I drink to get drunk, I say, "Well, I don't drink to get sober." If you ever asked ice if it's there to kill me, it'd probably answer, "Well, I'm not here to give him a hand" or even a series of dots because it's fucking ice and it can't talk.

6.) Snipers

Examples: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Super Mario Bros. 3.

They're the enemies that are always out of your range. For example, take the small Native American child in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. This little bastard is placed where even your longest-distanced weapon won't hit him. There's no real place to hide, since you're in jeopardy of being sunk down a whirlpool, or worse, being hit by a bird.

Snipers are smarter than you'll ever be. They found the one spot where you'll be immune to damage, while you found the one spot that you're the most susceptible to death.

5.) The Steps in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Examples: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Forgive my self-indulgence on this one. While most of you have encountered a troubling ice stage or a pesky sniper, few of you have probably ventured far enough in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to encounter this nuisance. See, as mundane as those steps are in the photo, they're actually a hazard. If you walk backwards into the steps, you will fall through them.

It's only fair to be able to tell an enemy from the ground. But this is the most ass of all enemies. It's a pit that masquerades as a step. Sometimes masquerades are pleasant surprises. Like the one I took my new boyfriend to last week.

4.) Disappearing Platforms.

Examples: Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link, Double Dragon 2: The Revenge

The worst disappearing platforms are those that deteriorate upon contact. They're teases. They're like your best friend's sister. She leads you on, all walking out of the shower without clothes, leaving her underwear drawer unoccupied when she's away at work, giving you ample opportunity to steal several pairs. And then when you ask her out on a date, even though you've sniffed every pair she's allowed you to steal, she's already called the police.

Deteriorating bridges are also like your best friend's sister in this way: they can only take so much before you never see them again. However, unlike your best friend's sister, they're far too loose for your own good.

Disappearing platforms, especially in Double Dragon 2, are a bitch. Incidentally, that's also what you now think of your best friend's sister.

3.) Pits

Examples: Robocop 2, Super Mario 3.

This all leads to one of the most, um, fucking-over enemy ever. Holes. They go nowhere. And for some unknown reason, you choose to jump over them instead of just walking around them (but to be fair, according to your perspective, it doesn't look like they ever end). There are many types of holes. What type of hole is a video-game hole? Well, just like most of the people I went to high school with, ass. That's right. It's an asshole.

2.) The Enemies Clinging to the Ceiling in a Side-Scrolling Shooter

Examples: Gradius

You can't shoot the fucker. It's above you. You need a vertical shot. You don't have a vertical shot. You have to press up against the roof and fire, but since touching anything and everything will kill you, you have to cradle the space between the ceiling and that slim fraction of air that will give you a clear shot. And by that time you actually manage to achieve this position, you're dead anyway, because there's shit behind you too. That one enemy is bad enough, but it's even worse since your biggest obstacle is...

1.) The Entire Screen in a Shooter.

Examples: Gradius, R-Type.

See that mountain? That will kill you. See those blasts of fire? That will kill you. See those trees at the bottom of the screen? They will not kill you. But that thing hiding in the tree will.

— The Son of a Bit,
Jonathan Plombon

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