Everyone has their guilty pleasures. Maybe you partake of a bit more peanut brittle than you should. Maybe you still actively listen to Dead or Alive records. Whatever man, I'm not here to judge you. The point is, we all find enjoyment in something that part of us feels we shouldn't, something that, if made public, could potentially shame our families for generations. Well dear reader, I can't fix every aspect of your life, but I can offer suggestions on how to make your favorite embarrassments a bit more manly and restore some of your broken pride.

4.) Samba de Amigo

There's something to rhythm games that makes the player feel much more talented than they actually are. Whether it's playing Dragonforce with a tiny plastic guitar or stomping about as though you're covered in ants to questionable Japanese techno, these games create a second reality where you are Sting and not a community college drop-out. Thanks to the success of Guitar Hero, rhythm games are seeing a new era of popularity. It was only a matter of time before someone caught wind of this and had an awesome idea.

Pictured: Awesome idea.

Samba de Amigo for the Wii is a 2007 update to the original Dreamcast title. Set to mostly Latin pop songs, the player must shake their maraca controllers in different positions around a circle as well as striking various poses to score points. As you successfully do this your character, a whimsical monkey named Amigo, attracts a crowd, naturally pleasing him. If you happen to suck at carrying the spicy rhythm, the audience leaves and you're left with one horribly depressed monkey. A sad monkey is quite possibly the best motivation not to lose a video game ever, by the way.

The Embarrassment: If you're scratching your head trying to recall some Latin pop stars, here's a brief yet horrific refresher:

As fun and quirky as Samba de Amigo is the music probably isn't going to blow you or your friends away. I'm not saying Ricky Martin is the worst thing that's happened to music, but I am saying Me Amares killed Kurt Cobain before traveling back in time and killing Jimi Hendrix. The solution is pretty simple: more metal. The more violent and abrasive the tunes the less shame you'll feel. Fact: It's impossible to not feel like a badass when Cannibal Corpse is playing, even when you're shaking fake maracas. We're not saying the game needs to lose its unique Latin flavor, though. After all, how hard can it be to find a Spanish Metallica cover band?

3.) Pokemon

Everyone loves Pokemon. Fictitious studies and made up facts confirm that, when confronted with the challenge of catching 'em all, four out of five people will respond with a hearty “Fuck yes!” while the other will simply smile, nod and make a mad dash for the nearest exit. When broken down to its most basic elements, Pokemon has something for everyone: If capturing and removing wild animals from their natural habitats doesn't tickle your fancy then perhaps you're an adventuring type. Pokemon allows you to explore new lands and participate in glorified cockfights, not unlike the frontiersmen of old. If violence for the sake of sport isn't you thing, there's also hardcore gambling.

Just in case you weren't addicted yet.

Pokemon's impact on the world of entertainment can't be denied. Outside of the twenty or so video games the merchandise is as endless as it is adorable. It's comparable to the PacMan craze of the eighties, sans the terrible pop record. Wait, there's ten Pokemon records now? When the hell did that happen?

The Embarrassment: Though many of the creatures in the series are actually pretty fucking terrifying, the game needs to kick things up to the extreme, or possibly x-treem, even. The first thing that needs to be fixed is combat, specifically its resolution. You see, despite being centered around over the top confrontations nothing ever dies in Pokemon. Some monsters explode, spew fire, are made entirely of poison and even shoot mind bullets, but their opponents only “faint.” The first step to manning-up the series is making every battle a tooth-and-nail fight to the death, because when a rhino stomps on a caterpillar a loss of life has to occur. It's just science, dammit.

Cute or not, your skull should be crushed.

2.) Animal Crossing

Life simulations are for those of us who have just a pinch too much time on out hands. Rather than make a trip to the local hobby shop or perhaps take some classes after working their shift at The Sizzler, these gamers choose to spend their spare time living a second life in a less interactive, involved and fulfilling world. It's kind of like quiting your position on the Chicago Bulls to pursue a new career playing Hot Shot Basketball.

Still, life sims aren't without their charms and Animal Crossing is no exception. In fact, a lot of Animal Crossing's appeal comes from its simplicity. Rather than face the daunting challenge of raising a family or holding down a job as one might in The Sims, the only goal in Animal Crossing is to pay off your house which, oddly enough, is done without any form of employment, because money will literally grow on trees and raccoon businessmen are always willing to purchase seashells and driftwood from you. And whereas one would need to study and exercise to succeed in The Sims, the AC player need only concern himself with collecting robots and playing Excite Bike. The world is almost perfect- people mail you presents for no discernible reasons, people who don't like you move away and a dog who sounds like an Atari sings bitchin' songs every Saturday night. Truly this is the lifestyle we all wish to achieve.

The Embarrassment: Animal Crossing is sort of like the Pleasantville of life sims in that nothing particularly terrible ever happens to challenge the player. The worst thing that can occur over the course of your digital life is getting stung by bees. In reality getting stung by bees, though inconvenient, is actually pretty tame compared to, say, war, famine, disease and Latin pop. Life isn't all Donkey Kong and talking cats and its about time the game realizes this. Adding a seedy criminal element to the happy animal collective could make things much more interesting. After all, who has time to purchase matching furniture sets when Ricky the Rhino Rapist is still on the loose? When your digital life has the potential to play out like a Law and Order mini-series you'll be much more inclined to stick around.

1.) Harvest Moon

Some of us play games seeking exciting challenges. Maybe that challenge is awesome laser robot duels, or maybe grand thefting an auto. Perhaps you need to saw your way through a horde of the undead, or clean up the streets of River City with nothing but a bicycle chain and a chickwich. But if your idea of heart-pounding action is growing a field of corn and carefully organizing the contents of your tool shed, chances are you play Harvest Moon.

Onward to... adventure?

The game entrusts you with the task of maintaining a farm. You'll be on the edge of your seat as you till soil! Tremble with anticipation as you cut lumber! Cream your jeans as you carefully water seeds! Okay, so it's no Gran Turismo. However, much like Animal Crossing, Harvest Moon manages to take a mundane task and make it much more entertaining than it actually is. I doubt anyone reading this would have much interest in farming, toiling for months to spring life from the merciless earth. But when those months pass in about two hours and the toiling consists of pressing a few buttons, anyone could be Gerardo Gonzalez.

The Embarrassment: The embarrassment sets in once you realize you're playing a farming sim and the game will never ever change. No matter how badly you want your character to throw down the pitchfork and join the global street fighting circuit, he'll just keep brushing his cow, silently watching life pass slowly by his empty eyes. To break up this potentially depressing monotony I propose the inclusion of a hunting mode not unlike in Oregon Trail. Not only would this encompass every man's two favorite actions (firing weapons and slaying elk) but it gives the player something to look forward to when their potatoes inevitably fail to grow. This will also give the player a desperately needed sense of self-satisfaction, because tomatoes don't put up much of a fight compared to a Kodiak bear or puma.

Well, sometimes they do.

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