Gaming needs women. Only one in three gamers is female, and while that's a vast improvement over a decade ago there's still a long way to go. However, you can't just send out free WoW subscriptions to everyone who everyone who watches Gossip Girl and call it a day. These things take finesse, and luckily for you the Gameist staff is only too happy to help.
#5. Remember That She Has A Life
A common mistake made by many burgeoning gaming evangelists is failing to acknowledge that their ladyfriends have, unbelievably, made their way through life with absolutely no time set aside for videogames. Young women in the prime of their lives don't typically respond well to young men who come home from their minimum-wage dishwashing jobs, spend 18 hours on a Kara raid, and suggest that their ladies follow suit.
Start her off with games she can pick up and set down at a moment's notice; games she can play while pretending to work (just like you do! Awwww.) Bejeweled has universal, addictive appeal, and you could do a lot worse than to introduce her to Bookworm (Bookworm Adventures if you're feeling saucy.) Hell, even online Tetris can go a long way towards educating an inquisitive female about the allure of moving little fictional shapes around a virtual playing field for imaginary points. The point is for it to be simple, free, and addictive (consult your local smack dealer for further tips on hooking your girl.)
"Have you tried givin' her smack? I'd try givin' her some smack."
Things To Avoid:
Boring Games. Listen, we don't want to step on any toes here, but there are some games whose popularity the Gameist staff can only classify as "inexplicable."
Games like Shartak, which is sort of like filling out an Excel spreadsheet, minus the great graphics, the ability to make unlimited changes per day, and the overwhelming exhilaration.
Are you on the edge your seat? We are!
Games like Swords and Sandals, whose violent glory evaporates after the first dozen identical battles against randomly-generated retards.
And pretty much every obnoxious little Facebook-based elf, vampire, or gangster-related pyramid schemes disguised as RPGs. The Gameist staff have a rule: if a game's text-based and isn't calling itself Zork IV: Underground Dungeon Wizards Extreme, stay the fuck away.
#4. Enlist Her Friends
Attentive boyfriends may have noticed that the objects of their affection sometimes associate with other attractive, vivacious, and eligible females (attentive, intelligent boyfriends will know to end their observations there.) If you can get a few of these women on your side, you will have unlocked a powerful tool in influencing your lady love: peer pressure.
No game harnesses peer pressure more effectively than Rock Band. There's something about the combination of shared embarassment and game controllers that don't look like game controllers that make its siren-like promises of virtual rock stardom irresistable. If your ladyfriend isn't effected by her galpals' repeated urgings and 'Aww, c'mon!'s, you must either be dating a deaf-mute or a member of the IDF.
We'd like to defend the existence and independence of her state, if you know what we mean.
Besides Rock Band, consider giving Dance Dance Revolution or Wii Sports a go. In fact, any multiplayer game with high probabilities of humiliation and flailing limbs are a good choice. Let your imagination run wild (but stop it in its tracks if it strays too near your girlfriend's friends. We're serious on this one.)
Things To Avoid:
Your Friends. Think of it this way: let's say that instead of getting your girlfriend into gaming, you were trying to convert her to Christianity. You've just walked her through the Gospels, talked about missionary work, maybe played her a little Five Iron Frenzy. Things are going well until suddenly, the reanimated corpse of Jerry Falwell comes shambling through the door, spewing hatred and maggots everywhere as he calls your girlfriend a tawdry whore—generally, not putting the best face on the Church. It might queer the conversion a little, right?
This is essentially the effect putting your girlfriend in a room with your gamer buddies would have at this stage. We aren't saying that prolonged exposure to games and the internet has turned your friends into hooting, abrasive jackholes, it's just that's how they'll look to your girlfriend if you don't condition her to the sort of behaviour that goes on in gaming gatherings beforehand.
"Quick, call me a shitcunting dickfart! Great job!"
#3. Educate Her
Let's assume that by this point your girlfriend's starting to show some interest in gaming. (If she isn't, you must have fucked up somewhere in step four or five. If this is the case, you should immediately break up with your current girlfriend and try again with a new one.) This is an excellent opportunity for you to fill her in on some aspects of gaming and gamer culture. Here's a small sampling of what to cover:
- Console Pricing: Sure, $400.00 for a Playstation 3 could also get your girlfriend a pair of exquisite slate-colored Prada kitten heels, but Assassin's Creed wouldn't look half as good on the shoes.
Prada: Notoriously Underpowered.
- Feminism In Gaming: It's best not to mince words here. Just rent a copy of DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball, fire it up, and begin apologizing for your gender.
"Suffrage? What's that? Tee hee!"
- Time Commitment: Make it clear to your girlfriend that the following things might need to suffer a little neglect if she's really serious about gaming: her eating habits, her performance at school/work, her relationships with family and friends, her sleeping patterns, her personal hygiene, her language comprehension, her attention capacity, and her grasp of reality. If she still wants to get into gaming after you've explained this to her, you've got a keeper.
Things To Avoid:
Sugarcoating. It's very important that your girlfriend know exactly what she's getting into as she embarks on her gaming odyssey. Spare no detail, especially when it comes to discussing online multiplayer. Tell her that everyone she meets online is retarded unless proven otherwise. Stress that the moment she reveals her gender she will be inundated with propositions for filthy sex acts, and that she should probably pose as a 12-year-old boy to avoid this (though, the Internet being what it is, this may come with its own set of problems.)
#2. Add A Little Sex
Hey, you know what's fun? Fucking. Hopefully you know this, having a girlfriend and all. But almost as fun as fucking is imaginary fucking, and imaginary fucking is something that women are exceptionally skilled at (if all those steamy Grey's Anatomy fanfictions are to be believed.)
"Doctor Mark Sloan strode casually into the room. He was so totally naked."
The best part here is that it requires nearly no effort on your part. Just take the apple of your eye politely aside one evening, and let her know that it is totally okay if she wants to masturbate to the following game gentlemen, or any others she cares to fancy:
For the girl who likes the dashing Robin Hood types, why not introduce her to The Prince, from Prince of Persia (we're using the 2008 version here, but feel free to expose her to his sandy predecessor.)
"Oh, what a dashing rapscallion I am."
Girls fond of older, more distinguished fellows might enjoy Auron, from Final Fantasy X (more like Final Fantasy XXX, right? Right? Okay, we're sorry for that one.)
"Honey, if you think this sword's big..."
Or for the girl who wants to get in "touch" with her rural blacksmithing side, there's always Owen from Harvest Moon: Tree Of Tranquility (though it pretty much goes without saying that you should have introduced your girlfriend to Harvest Moon well before this. Durr, dude.)
"Ladies."
Things To Avoid:
Your Sexual Fantasies. This one might seem like a no-brainer, but trust us when we say it's better to think about this now than when your significant other inevitably turns you and asks "So which game girl would you do?" She won't be trying to test you, or trap you, or trick you (at least, we hope she won't be. If she is, that's indicative of relationship problems which we as simple Internet humorists are ill-equipped to handle.) Your loving girlfriend will earnestly want to find out about your taste in videogame women, and you should be just as earnest in avoiding this question like it were a telemarketer hawking subscriptions to the Black Plague.
The principle we're basing this advice on is the same as the one that says you should never tell your girlfriend you'd want to have sex with Salma Hayek; because you're setting an unmeetable standard. Here's an example: let's say that you tell your girlfriend you wouldn't mind letting Jade from Beyond Good and Evil handle your Dai-Jo stick, if she knows what you mean.
She probably knows what you mean.
You have just told your girlfriend that your ideal woman is a driven, capable career woman who cares for orphans with zero body fat, acrobatic skills that would put Jackie Chan to shame, perfect skin, a complexion that doesn't make green lips instantly ridiculous, soulful green eyes, and the ability to magically raise the dead. Way to go, asshole.
#1. Compete With Her... As A Gentleman
Congratulations! If you've followed all these steps correctly, your one and only ought to have a healthy interest and respect for gaming as a hobby. (Again, if this is not the case then there must be something wrong with either you or your girlfriend. It is unthinkable that the advice posed by a band of Internet humorists could lead you wrong.) Now the only thing remaining is to keep her interested, which is easier than it sounds. Just treat her like an equal and a grown-up (unless you're dating someone under the age of consent, in which case we need to have a serious word with the boys in the advertising department.)
Try getting her a copy of your favorite game, if you haven't already, and take turns playing through it together. This is a great way to bond, and the two of you can share many a gasp and laugh controlling your psychic pre-teen as he solves the mystery surrounding his summer camp (we're assuming that your favorite game is Psychonauts, because everyone's favorite game should be Psychonauts.)
It is empirically wrong not to enjoy this game. This has been proven. With science.
Honestly though, the world is your oyster at this point. Let your girl develop her own tastes and play with her own friends, because any attempt to control her exposure at this stage will come off as overbearing and controlling. We promise that she'll always be down for some head-to-head Mariokart or whatever, because girlfriends are cool like that.
Should it occur that gaming becomes an all-consuming obession that devours all her time and leaves her no time to spend with you... well, you're own your own, pal. The name of the site is Gameist, not HealthyAndActiveLifestyle-ist.
We even double-checked!
Things To Avoid:
Being A Dick. We've done our best to imply this over the last few paragraphs (and this entire article, really,) but it really can't be stressed enough. Yes, gaming was your thing before it was her thing. Yes, you probably still know more about everything game-related than she does. Yes, if it weren't for you she would never have even started gaming in the first place.
You know what? None of that makes it okay to act the way dudes normally act when their significant other is gaming. You know who you turn into. Whether you're the Smug, Condescending Prick...
"Oh, you just got your first mount? That's adorable. I bet it'd love to meet my four dozen Netherwing Drakes."
...or the Backseat Driver From Hell...
"Circle strafe! CIRCLE STRAFE! CIRCLE STRAAAAAAAAAFE!!!"
...you need to get a grip and get over yourself, because dude: it's just a game.
In between gaming with his hundreds of girlfriends, Malcolm writes at The Last Gaffe.
Klymacks(1 year ago)
Hilarious. The backseat gamer from hell is me haha. Although I can be a condecending prick pretty well too. I find it next to impossible to hide my irritation when my wife is horrible at games. I liken it to her frustration that she gets stuck cooking and cleaning all day and my lack of skill in those areas. We balance each other out! Save the feminist remarks for someone that cares.
Malcolm(1 year ago)
^^^
Translation: "My acknowledgment of my irritating, childish behavior eliminates the need to correct it. I hector my wife when she is trying to enjoy a game, but that's okay because she loves feeding and cleaning up after me so much. I'm so cool that pleasantries such as mutual respect and understanding can be dismissed as 'feminist remarks.' I am actually an unwed virgin saving up for my third Fleshlight."
Shawn(1 year ago)
Five. Iron. Frenzy. This site has earned my love just for that reference.
Guffin Mopes(1 year ago)
CIRCLE STRAAAFE!
KaTet(1 year ago)
Malcolm, I love you a wee bit. Thanks for being hilarious, even though I sometimes had to tell you to stop talking.
Malcolm Christiansen(1 year ago)
I am quite certain I do not know you, random Internet person who I am not associated with in any way and who certainly does not know any of my embarrassing secrets.
Counterattack(1 year ago)
I totally backseat-gamer'd one of my old roommate's girlfriends while watching her play Sonic The Hedgehog on the Genesis. I didn't intend to, I'd just kinda blurted out, "Nice fuckup, fuckup!" and she got really upset. Which as it turns out was terribly hilarious, and so I'd continued to do so for the following months.
I still say it when I see her, but she's got a better sense of humor these days and doesn't take it so seriously. That is, assuming that she laughs it off because it's actually funny, and not because she plans to kill me in my sleep.
SmokeyHP(1 year ago)
Right, because making fun of your friend's girlfriend every time you see her is totally charming!
Nice article as always :)
Knight(11 months ago)
I get the weird feeling i've been missing out on some good articles until i saw this site today. Congrats man. you really cheered up an otherwise dull day.
I'd say step 4 and 5 are pretty spot on, also the 'dont be a dick' comment. i hate it when guys are like that. its embarrasing to themselves, and and you have a greater chance of losing the girl and a new gamer, then getting her more involved in your fave passtime.
Hoping to see a lot more articles like this, if you get between time between your girlfriend and all her totally elligible but highly unavailable bossom buddies.
Dorkus Malorkus(11 months ago)
Yeah. Because girls don't play video games. Not even Tetris or Bejeweled. Ever. It's a totally foreign concept to us. Controllers look like icky snakes and bugs and we'd never even think of picking one up. We've never owned a console, not even an NES as kids, because everyone knows that video games are only for BOYS! Right.
Malcolm Christiansen(11 months ago)
You know, when most people read something, they tend to start at the beginning, where things like what you're complaining about might be addressed and the articles focus outline.
Your approach of "pick out random words and become self-righteously indignant based upon imaginary slights" seems good too, though.
warface363(11 months ago)
i dont understand why people insist upon making judgments on articles after skimming them, like the comment from dorkus malorkus. understand that these articles are not only funny, but are true. i may only be 15, but i almost got both my parents in on video games. my mom started with Mariokart, but ended up only on text twist or online scrabble, and my dad got hooked on splinter cell and left 4 dead. this article touches on the vital points and keys of making people not only understand gamers, but learn to like gaming as well. the articles not saying that girls don't play games, but rather gives a smooth, kind, and hopefully successful process for assimilating a friend or girlfriend/boyfriend into the gaming community.
Riskybiscuit(6 months ago)
Wow. Patronising, much?
I'm on the side of Dorkus - it's your fault you've titled it in such a misogynist way, how else are people going to respond to it? And you call him/her up on neglecting to read the rest of the "article", so I did.
It's all exactly the same - inane humour derived from the ignorant assumption (whether it's your genuine opinion or not is irrelevant, it's still insulting) that women need leading by the hand into video games. Trick them with your masculinity or else they'll just carry on cooking and crocheting and squirting out children!! If it was that sort of article, I'd forgive it, but it seems to be a genuinely serious attempt (within the humour genre) that believes women do need this. Very sad, unfortunately.
Back to cracked.com for me. Half of these articles are outdated sexist drivel.
Riskybiscuit(6 months ago)
Also, to address the point from warface, if it actually was an article addressed towards non-gamers, then it would be cute and funny. What's getting people justifiably annoyed is that it's entirely based on an incorrect gender assumption that's frankly a bit of a tired comedic cliche.
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sarah(3 months ago)
You call yourselves humorists, yet most of your articles are not that funny.
back to cracked.com for me as well.
So much for potential video game humor....ugh.
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Very interesting post. Thanks again.. Please Keep it Up!!
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You take this into the world and become the guy everyone calls laid back and easy going. Nothing phases you. You take the punishment and ignore it and eventually the jackass at work goes on to bug someone else. You look cooler, get promoted more often and get married to a cheerleader.
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In between gaming with his hundreds of girlfriends, Malcolm writes at The Last Gaffe.
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