Do people ever complain that you are too magnanimous in victory, or too graceful when defeating your opponents? Of course they don't! That's because people rarely want you to be more of an asshole. But hypothetically speaking, imagine that there was some situation that required you to win as gracelessly as possible. Maybe you're playing video games against the guy that just stole your girlfriend. Or worse yet, against the guy that "borrowed" and lost your Nintendo DS. Then the kid gloves come off, and it's time to ram victory down his fucking throat.
BEFORE THE GAME:
Trash Talk: There is an art to trash-talking. If done correctly, it's a lot more than just saying, "I'm going to kick your ass." You've got to announce your intention to kick ass in style. Interestingly, all the skills that you might have picked up in English class may finally come in handy when it comes to adding style to your trash talk.
Rhyming is a sure-fire way to improve your trash-talk. Everyone cool rhymes their trash talk, from gangster rappers, to Don King, to Dr. Seuss. ("I will not eat green eggs and ham, but your damn egghead I will slam.") You should try to make sure that at least one of your insults rhymes. Possible suggestions include:
"Step to Mario, you'll be sorry yo."
"Donkey Kong is gonna prove this honkey wrong."
"Mess with Inuyasha, and, uh... get killed by Inuyasha."
You get the general idea.
Your insults, naturally, should not be confined to the characters you are playing. Be sure to insult the other player's skill before you even start. If you are confident in your mastery over all of the video games you own, consider a taunt like, "Are there any of these games you don't completely suck at?" Remember, your goal is to emasculate your opponent before the game is even begun.
Always, always, always, mock your opponent's choice of character mercilessly. "You picked Bowser? Well, he's big, ugly, and really slow, so I can see why you'd feel a kinship." "Ivy? You realize you're still the one that's going to get whipped, right?" Also, feel free to set up your opponent for a fall later. "The Sniper? Good choice; even an talentless idiot could win with the Sniper." Then when you kick their ass, it'll be all the sweeter.
DURING THE GAME
Condescend. Condescension is the bizarro world evil twin of trash talk. Rather than insulting and berating your opponent, praise his efforts. Talk to him the same way you'd talk to a dog or a precocious 5-year old. There are few things more frustrating for your opponent than to be getting his ass kicked six ways from Sunday while you keep saying, "Good try!" "You almost hit me that time." "Good try!" "I didn't beat you as badly this time." "Good try!"
Ask your opponent if he'd like you to switch to a different character. If he says no, immediately switch anyway and say, "I just want to give you a fighting chance."
Continue to humiliate your opponent by asking him if he wants you to do various things to make the game easier for him. None of these should be things that cripple your ability to kick his ass, or the point will be ruined. But if you know you can easily kick his ass with no items, or no kicks, ask him, "Do you think I should play a round without using items so you have a shot?" If he says no, do so anyway. If he says yes, play most of the round without items, and then kill him with an item. When he asks about it, you should say, "Well I already won without items, but killing you with the [item name] is just too fun not to try, because most of my opponents are too good for me to get away with that."
Cheesy moves. Nothing says graceless victory like using the same cheap trick to repeatedly kick ass. Whether you're using a shortcut on the racetrack that only you know about, or whether you're repeatedly using the same slide kick to defeat your opponent because he can't block it in time, nothing is more demoralizing than losing to the same tactic over and over and over.
Psycho Crusher: It never gets old.
Eventually, your opponent will complain that you are using the same move over and over. If it is a fighting game, walk up to your opponent and do a minor attack that does as little damage as possible, and then resume doing your same cheap move over and over. If he protests, explain that you did a different attack and he didn't bother blocking it.
Your opponent will continue complaining that you just keep using the same move. At this point, you should switch to a different but equally obnoxious cheap move, and then do that move over and over instead until your opponent is dead.
If you're confident that there's no possible way that your opponent can beat you, you can also offer him ridiculous handicaps, such as standing still for 5 seconds before kicking his ass.
AFTER THE GAME
Litany of mistakes. Point out all the things that your opponent did wrong. Every. Single. One. These should not be strategy tips, but should be simple gameplay mistakes. The more obvious these things are, the better. If you're playing tetris, offer advice like, "You really shouldn't let all the blocks build up like that. You'd probably do better if you tried to get rid of some of the lines instead of letting them all pile up."
Don't do this.
As you might suspect, a great way to be an unbearable winner is to tell your opponent that he really should have tried to do X, where X is something he obviously was trying to do, but failed at. When you say "Next time, you should really try dodging some of my attacks", you know your opponent will be thinking, "I WAS TRYING!!!" Of course, if he is fool enough to say that, then you can respond with feigned surprise, "Really? It sure didn't look like it."
Another fun thing to do is to act really disappointed in your opponent's skill level. Complain about how you really were hoping for a challenge, and that he should try a little harder next time so you don't just walk all over him. Say things like, "It's just no fun for me when I win that easily."
Guffin Mopes(9 months ago)
Wait a second... those are bad things to do?
Is that why I can't get anyone to play Smash Bros. with me?