Until we can play games with just our minds (and that day is much closer than most people would like to accept), the controller will play an important role in our gaming lives. It’s how we access and interact with our pixilated second life. If we’re going to spend our waking lives glued to a television screen, the controller needs to be comfortable and functional while not making you look like you’re mentally handicapped when trying to use it. Despite being incredibly obvious, it’s a simple lesson we’ve clearly yet to learn.
7) Intellivision Keypad (Mattel, 1979)
Despite what those Hollywood-types want you to believe, the eighties wasn’t one big Breakfast Club. It was a decade of terrible decisions, from presidencies to controller design. Case in point, the Intellivision controller:
No, that’s not a crappy car phone and yes, they really tried to program games to use as many buttons on the keypad as possible. Games also came with plastic overlays that labeled which buttons did what, which, if you weren’t a sensible adult, you were practically predestined to lose within forty-eight hours. We can only assume playing Donkey Kong with twelve buttons was supposed to be an in-depth, life changing experience, like seeing the face of God. Unfortunately, this was the Intellivision, so the closest thing to seeing the face of God was Magic Carousel.
Footage courtesey of Lucifer.
More buttons does not automatically make for a better game. If it did, Typing Tutor would be bundled with every system ever. Despite its tendency to injure the user’s hands and generally not work, the keypad controller had a brief, horrific legacy, which would help explain the next entry.
6) The Atari Jaguar (Atari, 1993)
The keypad craze had ended with the Video Game Crash in 1984. Or so you thought.
After rising out of the rubble of their own shit storm, Atari decided the best way to break back into the mainstream and compete in the market again was to revive one of the worst ideas of their day (and that’s really saying quite a lot, all things considered) and make it unnecessarily large. By giving the controller more buttons than the average pimp’s suit and even bigger plastic overlays, Atari hoped to blow their competition out of the water with the unparalleled power of “not at all being able to hold and use your controller at the same time.”
“Eight buttons? What are you, gay?”
5) The Dream Machine (Australian Simulation Control Systems, Unreleased)
Let’s face it: you’re never truly playing Gran Turismo unless you’re playing it while in some kind of interactive Australian sex swing.
The Dream Machine: For the family that has everything, except a well furnished room.
The idea behind this Bradbury-esque nightmare is that by constantly thrashing about you’ll lose weight, because nothing says physical fitness like a big fucking chair attached to fake handlebars. The Dream Machine allows you to rotate, swivel and crotch thrust your way to victory, all the while making you look like a complete asshole to your friends who couldn’t shell out $1,700 for a magic game chair. When you feel like you can only be satisfied playing a video game when it costs you more than a used car, you really do have a problem.
4) Mindwire (Mindwire, 2007)
The people behind the Mindwire claim that the device allows you to “feel the game.” This may lead you to believe that those long nights of Tomb Raider just got more interesting, but all those creepy sex fantasies are lost once you learn the Mindwire is just supposed to shock you while you play. At least, we hope those fantasies are lost.
Rather than try to claim any bogus health benefits of mildly irritating electric shock, the Mindwire just wants to put you in the game by simulation the damage your character receieves, a noble concept when you consider that real-world street fighting is an excellent way to get arrested. How gentle pulses equate a Psycho Crusher is beyond me, but the Mindwire does win credibility points for being the only controller on this list you shouldn’t use if you have a heart condition. Take that, keypads!
3) Sega Saturn 3D (Sega, 1996)
Sega has always tried to be about practical design, so it’s no surprise that this Saturn controller was as much about gameplay as it was functioning as a dinner plate.
The 3D combines the best of both worlds, offering both an awkward round shape with questionable rectangular handles. They appear to have ditched the classic keypad in favor of impractical spacing. But on the upside, when you throw it out of frustration, there’s a good chance it will concuss whoever is unlucky enough wander into its path.
2) Trance Vibrator (Sega, 2003)
In an effort to prove that design should be an afterthought, Sega released the Trance Vibrator, a unique peripheral for the rail shooter Rez. The Trance was intended to react to the game's music, being held in hand or pocket while you played the game. What they ended making was the first nerd-specific sex toy.
Hello, ladies.
There’s no other reason for this to exist; it doesn’t help play the game in any way and all it does is vibrate. You may call me a pervert, but damn it people, Wikipedia doesn’t lie.
What the hell is wrong with Japan?
1) Steel Battalion Dashboard (Capcom, 2002)
Words can’t properly prepare you for what you’re about to see, so you might as well just jump in. Stare at this image for the next two minutes or so and try to take it all in:
If you’re reading this, I assume you didn’t pass out from overwhelming fear. That contraption is how you operate Steel Battalion, perhaps the world’s most ridiculously accurate giant robot pilot simulator. Capcom, no longer content with having their robots shoot little yellow bullets and ride a dog motorcycle, decided to throw caution to the wind and slap over forty buttons between two joysticks. Do they make a plastic overlay for this? I think they should.
The dashboard paid off in the end. The bundle cost around $200 at the time of its release and quickly sold-out, playing directly to our habit of buying things we could never possibly hope to master. Despite needing a degree in engineering to fully operate, the control mechanism itself still sells for $100 on eBay. If you’re looking for something to keep you off of drugs and out of a meaningful relationship for several years, pick one of these up.
Moonbeam Glasscock(11 months ago)
"If you’re looking for something to keep you off of drugs and out of a meaningful relationship for several years, pick one of these up."
Not usually one to do this, but lol.
Zachary Cole(11 months ago)
"Take that, keypads!" indeed. Crossing anything that emits an electrical charge *near* gamers is one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard.
Bill(11 months ago)
The Intellivision was my first game system... ahhh... the memories.
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
You can't truly appreciate how horrible the Intellivision's controls are until you play Intellivision Lives! for the GameCube. As it turns out, the keypad doesn't translate well to eight buttons and an analog stick.
poohugh(11 months ago)
The Sega Plate 3D was obviously the pre-cursor to the absolutely rubbish Dreamcast one. The only way it sat properly in your palms was if you brought your elbows together.
sega_saturn_owner(11 months ago)
Did the author of this piece actually use the Saturn controller mentioned for any period of time? It looks goofy, but it was actually super comfortable. Like holding a big jelly donut. I found that controller to be very responsive and a great balance between big enough to feel like you're holding something, and light enough that you forget you're holding it.
I also had an intellivision as a kid, and I agree absolutely that the controller was not good. The worst part was actually the set of tiny rectangular rubber buttons on the side of the controller - they were angular and not responsive and any game that used them cause calluses as you tried to jam on them to get results.
Odkin(11 months ago)
Major error in the first paragraph - the Eighties were a GREAT time for Presidential decisions. You must be thinking of the Seventies.
Welcome Back, Carter!
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
I personally don't enjoy the Saturn 3D, but to each their own.
badxmaru(11 months ago)
Actually I second the sega saturn comment, that was probably THE most comfortable controller ever.
Steven Matarazzo(11 months ago)
I liked the Saturn 3D pad, the article makes it seem like that was the only Sega Saturn (and the default gamepad) it was NOT. The standard pad is similar to the Sega Genesis gamepad. This was an optional one, included with Nights into Dreams. Plus it wasn't bad to use, just different, but not uncomfortable.
Gabe(11 months ago)
What's this? The original xbox controller didn't make the list?
PO8(11 months ago)
Two words: Thrustmaster Fragmaster. Google for it and be amazed.
John Jones(11 months ago)
That steel battalion dash board totally ROCKED!
RT
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Wild_Aeros(11 months ago)
The Saturn controller was packed with Nights into Dreams for a reason. It was the perfect controller to properly play the game. Beyond that, it had responsive buttons and was quality made.
How the Saturn controller made this list over the Phillips CD-I PoS controllers I'll never understand.
T-bone(11 months ago)
Surprised the old ColecoVision controller that "cracked" every time you moved in any direction didn't make the list. Was a fan of the SNES controller, worked well with SFII title.
Eagix(11 months ago)
That Sega controller was one of the most comfortable controllers I ever used. It rocked with nights into dreams, I miss it!
macsux(11 months ago)
Meh... Just because you are not into realistic flight sim no reason to dismiss it. That device is obviously targeting a very specific set of players looking for maximum realism in their flight sims, and seems pretty uber at that...
eadipus(11 months ago)
I seriously considered getting a trance vibrator back in the day when we were big into Rez.
the cost of importing it from japan was insane and I was was poor so it never happened, was really hoping they'd make one for the 360 but the extra controllers vibrating are nice for people who are watching.
one of the greatest post intoxication games ever made
Soapyyeti(11 months ago)
How did the de very worstual shock not make it on to here, sure its the most pad ever but surely one of the very worst and least comfortable.
Soapyyeti(11 months ago)
wow. that went wrong. what i meant to write was.
How did the dual shock pad not make it on to here, sure its the most pad ever but surely one of the very worst and least comfortable.
Rob(11 months ago)
Intellivision actually tried to downplay the callouses people got from their crappy side-buttons by creating a "Numb Thumb Club." Horrendous.
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
It's good to know that at least one other person remembers the Intellivision controller for the pain in the ass it is. Seriously, anyone who says the thing is comfortable or precise iis horribly mistaken.
Joker(11 months ago)
What about the SpaceOrb 360? I'd like to propose an honorable mention.
scorpian5(11 months ago)
I had a Steel Battalion controller and it was cool but was way to hard to use and took up to much room. I played it for a couple of weeks and sold it for twice as much as i paid for it
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I really like how the third one looks.
Nice idea!
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During a Sydney Motor Show one time, they had a set up out of a new Mitsubishi shell with a huge screen infront where you drove Gran Turismo style. Oh and plenty of hot models ;)
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Nice :-) I have the same old controllers at home, too :-)
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The Sega Plate 3D was obviously the pre-cursor to the absolutely rubbish Dreamcast one. The only way it sat properly in your palms was if you brought your elbows together.
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That Sega controller was one of the most comfortable controllers I ever used. It rocked with nights into dreams, I miss it!
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How did the de very worstual shock not make it on to here, sure its the most pad ever but surely one of the very worst and least comfortable.
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Just because you are not into realistic flight sim no reason to dismiss it. That device is obviously targeting a very specific set of players looking for maximum realism in their flight sims, and seems pretty uber at that...
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This was an optional one, included with Nights into Dreams. Plus it wasn't bad to use, just different, but not uncomfortable.
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