You know what's great about cars? It's the sense of freedom and potential as you pull out onto the open road. It's the feeling that you could go anywhere in the world if you wanted to. It's the sensation of absolute power you experience when you realize that you could level a nearby suburb as easy as breathing with your arsenal of deadly explosives.
Oh, wait. That's what's great about these motherfuckers. Read on.
#4. Battlemechs (Mechwarrior and MechAssault Series)
Here's a familiar scenario: you're in a parking lot that's full of cars, and you're trying to find a space. After minutes of patient circling, you finally spot someone backing out. You take your position, wait for them to leave, and just as you're about to pull in some greased-up jackhole in a Beemer roars in from nowhere and swipes the spot right before your eyes.
We bet that after seeing that, you wished you could use a hypermassive gauss rifle to send a magnetized round the size of a Saint Bernard into that douchebag's engine block. Well, with a Battlemech, that happy fantasy can become a reality!
Not that you'd really need a parking space if you were in a Battlemech, we guess. But the principle is sound.
According to the Mechwarrior series, in the future these humongous walking tanks will be used to wage interplanetary war on a scale heretofore unseen by mortal eyes, but we at Gameist feel that's thinking small. These babies are a hundred-odd tons of armor and violence that come in a variety of eye-catching colors. Think of the applications around the house and community!
- Trimming hedges (with lasers)
- Children's birthday parties (laser show)
- Picking up chicks (lasers are likely involved)
- Petty acts of interoffice revenge (oh, you know there's gonna be lasers)
"Hey, Frank! Congratulations on your promotion!" Blam blam blam
#3. F.L.U.D.D. (Super Mario Sunshine)
We'll be straight with you folks: the Flash Liquid Ultra Dousing Device has a pretty comprehensive list of flaws. It attaches itself, limpet-like, to Mario's back the very first time they meet, and nobody likes clingy appliances. And it only does this after a cutscene so eyewateringly bad that it lead us to fear that Shigeru Miyamoto was reading from the Hideo Kojima Book of Expository Bullshit. And it has a really, really annoying voice, which is not typically something that is endearing in a water pistol. It was like Gilbert Gottfried after huffing helium, while hooked up to an electrolarynx.
But it had one glorious attachment that made all this bullshit worthwhile: the Turbo Nozzle.
Look at him go!
The Turbo Nozzle was awesome. After a second of charging up, it would send Mario rocketing forward, pumping his chubby little legs for all he was worth. If you used it in the water, Mario became the Coked-Up Merman From Hell, his demonic wake menacing the peaceful island natives.
The other cool thing about the Turbo Nozzle was that if you were careless with the steering, Mario would hurtle into a solid brick wall and bounce back with a really satisfying *thump*. This might not seem like much of a perk, but trust us: after watching the little retard stumble off a platform into the void for the dozenth time thanks to the shitty camera, it becomes extremely important to have a way of punishing him.
#2. Airships (Final Fantasy Series)
What if zeppelins and dirigibles were awesome?
"But wait," we hear you saying. "Wait, for zeppelins and dirigibles are awesome!"
Fair enough, you've got us there. But what if they were more awesome? We'll give you a minute to find a sandwich baggie or something in which to collect the scattered pieces of your blown mind. While you're doing that, we'll be over here on our airship, defying the laws of physics in the spectacular fashion that the Final Fantasy games have got down to a spit-shine.
Pchoo pchoo pchoo
See, the trouble with living in the real world is that there's always a limit on how opulent you can make your posessions. For example, if you were to get, say, a private jet, you could fill it up with bigscreen TVs and expensive liquor, but it would still have to all fit in a basic plane shape. Not in an airship. In an airship, you could, say, have a ship that's basically a castle with sails, fill it with smaller sail-castles, slap a couple of propellers on there, and BAM. You've got yourself an airworthy vessel.
Airships are essentially the Limit Break of air travel.
#1. Kazooie (Banjo-Kazooie)
You probably think you've got a pretty shitty job, right? Let us tell you something, mister: out there somewhere is a man with a job that is ten, twenty, a hundred times worse than yours. Maybe he has to give handjobs to turkeys. Maybe he's a lawyer defending a gang of bukkake fetishists who attempted to circlejerk on the Prime Minister of Japan. Maybe he's a fluffer for gay porn shoots. Whatever his actual position is, chances are that what he's doing kicks your job's ass in terms of shittiness (and that it probably invovles handjobs.) Got that?
Well, Kazooie wishes she had that guy's job.
"Turkey handjob technician? Taunt me not with such glimpses of Heaven!"
For those of you not in the know, Kazooie is a Red-Crested Breegull who was apparently stuffed into a backpack by a grizzly bear one day. She now does his bidding in exchange for fresh oxygen, and the backpack does not appear to have been laundered once. And you thought that collating figures for eight hours sucked.
So Kazooie's lot in life is unenviable, but what qualifies her for the top spot on a list of pimp-ass game rides? Well, it just so happens that among the list of her absurd duties are those of carting her ursine taskmaster around on her back when he wants to get up a steep hill, and actually making him fly when he demands it.
Did you get that? Part of this bird's daily routine is somehow attaining liftoff while attached to a vicious land predator at least twenty times her weight. We don't care how bad you think your job is or how many handjobs you have to give out, that right there is fucking hard.
"Can we... can we not fly today? Like, just for once?"
"UNACCEPTABLE."
When not riding dirty, Malcolm writes for The Last Gaffe.
louis vuitton(4 months ago)
everybody can afford tiffany jewellery as a memorable jewelry gift.
replica soccer jersey(3 months ago)
Can we... can we not fly today? Like, just for once?"
"UNACCEPTABLE."
replica watches(3 months ago)
Did you get that? Part of this bird's daily routine is somehow attaining liftoff while attached to a vicious land predator at least twenty times her weight. We don't care how bad you think your job is or how many handjobs you have to give out, that right there is fucking hard.
replica watches(3 months ago)
http://www.my-replica-watches.com
replica watches(3 months ago)
http://www.tick2buy.com
Cheap Uggs Sale(2 months ago)
<a href="http://www.llikeonline.com/ugg-lo-pro-button-boots-c-41.html" title="ugg lo pro boots sale">UGG Lo Pro</a> is one of the special products. The best product for this is <a href="http://www.llikeonline.com/ugg-rainier-c-43.html" title="ugg rainier boots">UGG Rainier</a> and Stain Repellent. Unfortunately, discolorations from, or caused by, another protective product may void <a href="http://www.llikeonline.com/ugg-classic-short-c-48.html" title="ugg short boots >ugg short boots</a> one year warranty.
UGGS CARDY BOOTS(2 months ago)
<a href="http://www.mytobling.com/ugg-new-arrival-c-49.html">Ugg New arrival</a> have been in existence since the 1970's.The <<a href="http://www.mytobling.com/ugg-ultra-short-boots-c-42.html">Ultra Short Uggs</a> became popular when surfers in Australia realized that these <a href="http://www.mytobling.com/ugg-bags-c-46.html">Chocolate Ugg Bags</a> served the purpose of quickly warming their feet as needed.
Cheap Paul Smith Brands(2 months ago)
Pure black has a Boundless strength. The style is to win warm praise from customerm. Many men love this one. And it is selling well all over the world. <a href="http://www.newpaulsmith.com/paul-smith-cufflinks-c-515.html">Paul Smith Cufflinks</a> and <a href="http://www.newpaulsmith.com/pual-smith-scarves-with-colorful-hackle-mark-silk-and-cotton-p-22072.html">paul smith scarf</a>
Do you like it? If you do that. Don't hesitate any more. Contact us immediately, we will offer you the best service!
Valuable Timberland Boots(2 months ago)
Your choices are unlimited <a href="http://www.ttptimberland.com/timberland-3-eye-boat-shoe-c-827.html">Timberland 3 Eye Boat Shoe</a> colors and styles. Why not choose, each a different snow equipment?If you like short, a short guide you will love <a href="http://www.ttptimberland.com/timberland-mens-6-inch-boots-c-819.html">timberland 6 inch boots</a>. Their short length, just below the ankle and has a flat, rubber soles. Or maybe you prefer one of many crochet style of <a href="http://www.ttptimberland.com/timberland-mens-chukka-boots-c-828.html">timberland chukka boot</a>.
air max 90(2 months ago)
everybody can afford tiffany jewellery as a memorable jewelry gift.
air max 90(2 months ago)
Did you get that? Part of this bird's daily routine is somehow attaining liftoff while attached to a vicious land predator at least twenty times her weight. We don't care how bad you think your job is or how many handjobs you have to give out, that right there is fucking hard.
uggs on sale(2 months ago)
Nice post here. It does make senses, appreciate for sharing.
air max 95(2 months ago)
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-ltd-c-9.html
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-stucture-c-11.html
http://airmax-shoe.com/air-max-180-c-15.html
kamagra(1 month ago)
thanks
m65 jacket(1 month ago)
good read
nike sneakers(1 month ago)
I have started reading this book and love it so far!
I just couldn't wait for it to go in to paper back.
ghd hair straighteners(1 month ago)
<p>The <strong><a href="http://www.ghdsstraighteners.com">ghd straighteners</a></strong> technology also can make the hair iron heat quickly and maintain the temperature.</p>
<p>Thank you for your understanding and support! </p>
herve leger dress(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!
Anyway,Welcome to herve leger online store .The Fashionable dress world!The bandage herve leger dress continues to the classic impression of the brand.
The new style and designer of the brand standing out your matchless stature.Wearing it,you will be more sexy and graceful.If so offended, please forgive me^^!
Timberland boots(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!Here is Timberland boots world. We offer Various Fashionable styles Timberland Boots for your choice. such as 6 Inch Waterproof Boots,Timberland Custom Shoes,Timberland Premium Classic Boots,Timberland Roll-Top Boots etc.Free &Fast Shipping Worldwide ! Thank you for your understanding and support!
ugg classic short(1 month ago)
Thanks for sharing.great article!
If you know Genuine UGG Boots,welcome to our UGG SALE IN DISCOUNT ONLINE STORE.All Genuine UGG Boots in our Classic Collection feature a soft foam insole covered with genuine sheepskin and have a molded EVA light and flexible outsole designed for refreshing comfort with every step.Thank you for your understanding and support!
Abercrombie And Fitch(1 month ago)
Abercrombie & Fitch has hired mobile services firm Digby to build, manage and operate mobile storefronts for its Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister Co. brands.
Abercrombie And Fitch(1 month ago)
Abercrombie & Fitch has hired mobile services firm Digby to build, manage and operate mobile storefronts for its Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister Co. brands.
shanwow(3 weeks ago)
It's very good post!Nothing is able to fulfill, as long as confidence. Everything is difficult at the beginning, is now at the beginning of the show that you have succeeded in half.
louis vuitton(3 weeks ago)
it's funny
louis vuitton(3 weeks ago)
it's funny
Sports Parlay(2 weeks ago)
good stuff
abercrombie and fitch(1 week ago)
From the leisure clothing brand abercrombie and fitch some brand history, today in online ran, to share.abercrombie interesting (in almost every creative in change.
tiffany(1 week ago)
<a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong>Tiffany</strong></a>, Queen's <a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong>Tiffany jewellery</strong></a> industry, diamond and silver products known world.<a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong>Tiffany uk</strong></a> was founded in 1837, the beginning of silver tableware is known,<a href="http://www.etiffanystore.com"><strong><a href="http://www.gstaronsale.com/g-star-mens-accessories.html"><strong>G Star Accessories</strong></a>.and <a href="http://www.shamwowonsale.com"><strong>shamwow</strong></a>.the wind reputation
Christian Louboutin Shoes(1 week ago)
thanks
tiffany jewelry(1 week ago)
so classic~
mbt shoes(1 week ago)
"UNACCEPTABLE."
nike air max(1 week ago)
Don’t forget the things you once you owned. Treasure the things youcan’t get. Don't give up the things that belong to you and keep thoselost things in memory
download hidden object games(5 days ago)
Hey admin, thanks for sharing this information. I found it superb. Have a nice day, Ursula.
ubuntu blog(5 days ago)
I found your web page from cuil and it is fantastic. Thnkx for providing such an incredible post!
Office 2007 Pro(22 hours ago)
OH my god, I love your post very much , i love you , I will come back here every day, so memorable .....