You know what's great about cars? It's the sense of freedom and potential as you pull out onto the open road. It's the feeling that you could go anywhere in the world if you wanted to. It's the sensation of absolute power you experience when you realize that you could level a nearby suburb as easy as breathing with your arsenal of deadly explosives.
Oh, wait. That's what's great about these motherfuckers. Read on.
#4. Battlemechs (Mechwarrior and MechAssault Series)
Here's a familiar scenario: you're in a parking lot that's full of cars, and you're trying to find a space. After minutes of patient circling, you finally spot someone backing out. You take your position, wait for them to leave, and just as you're about to pull in some greased-up jackhole in a Beemer roars in from nowhere and swipes the spot right before your eyes.
We bet that after seeing that, you wished you could use a hypermassive gauss rifle to send a magnetized round the size of a Saint Bernard into that douchebag's engine block. Well, with a Battlemech, that happy fantasy can become a reality!
Not that you'd really need a parking space if you were in a Battlemech, we guess. But the principle is sound.
According to the Mechwarrior series, in the future these humongous walking tanks will be used to wage interplanetary war on a scale heretofore unseen by mortal eyes, but we at Gameist feel that's thinking small. These babies are a hundred-odd tons of armor and violence that come in a variety of eye-catching colors. Think of the applications around the house and community!
- Trimming hedges (with lasers)
- Children's birthday parties (laser show)
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"Hey, Frank! Congratulations on your promotion!" Blam blam blam
#3. F.L.U.D.D. (Super Mario Sunshine)
We'll be straight with you folks: the Flash Liquid Ultra Dousing Device has a pretty comprehensive list of flaws. It attaches itself, limpet-like, to Mario's back the very first time they meet, and nobody likes clingy appliances. And it only does this after a cutscene so eyewateringly bad that it lead us to fear that Shigeru Miyamoto was reading from the Hideo Kojima Book of Expository Bullshit. And it has a really, really annoying voice, which is not typically something that is endearing in a water pistol. It was like Gilbert Gottfried after huffing helium, while hooked up to an electrolarynx.
But it had one glorious attachment that made all this bullshit worthwhile: the Turbo Nozzle.
Look at him go!
The Turbo Nozzle was awesome. After a second of charging up, it would send Mario rocketing forward, pumping his chubby little legs for all he was worth. If you used it in the water, Mario became the Coked-Up Merman From Hell, his demonic wake menacing the peaceful island natives.
The other cool thing about the Turbo Nozzle was that if you were careless with the steering, Mario would hurtle into a solid brick wall and bounce back with a really satisfying *thump*. This might not seem like much of a perk, but trust us: after watching the little retard stumble off a platform into the void for the dozenth time thanks to the shitty camera, it becomes extremely important to have a way of punishing him.
#2. Airships (Final Fantasy Series)
What if zeppelins and dirigibles were awesome?
"But wait," we hear you saying. "Wait, for zeppelins and dirigibles are awesome!"
Fair enough, you've got us there. But what if they were more awesome? We'll give you a minute to find a sandwich baggie or something in which to collect the scattered pieces of your blown mind. While you're doing that, we'll be over here on our airship, defying the laws of physics in the spectacular fashion that the Final Fantasy games have got down to a spit-shine.
Pchoo pchoo pchoo
See, the trouble with living in the real world is that there's always a limit on how opulent you can make your posessions. For example, if you were to get, say, a private jet, you could fill it up with bigscreen TVs and expensive liquor, but it would still have to all fit in a basic plane shape. Not in an airship. In an airship, you could, say, have a ship that's basically a castle with sails, fill it with smaller sail-castles, slap a couple of propellers on there, and BAM. You've got yourself an airworthy vessel.
Airships are essentially the Limit Break of air travel.
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"Turkey handjob technician? Taunt me not with such glimpses of Heaven!"
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When not riding dirty, Malcolm writes for The Last Gaffe.
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