While it's true that a new year brings the promise of many new and exciting things, it also ensures there will be just as many terrible experiences, and video games are no exception. With so many titles being released in a year it's generally accepted that the quality will range from "Rad" to "Somewhat Poisonus." With the latter, it's nice to have a little heads up. With that in mind I present to you, my humble reader, the least anticipated games of 2009.

5.) Duke Nukem Trilogy

(DS, PSP)

Younger gamers might be surprised to learn that there was a point in history when Duke Nukem wasn't a tremendous joke in the industry. When Duke Nukem 3D was released in 1996 it instantly became a crass classic, providing immature teenagers everywhere with bad language, unnecessary violence, poorly pixilated nudity and tongue-in-cheek wit a full year before Grand Theft Auto carelessly ran through pedestrians and into our hearts. Though it may not have started the modern age of adult oriented actions games it certainly gave it the explosive kick to the balls it needed, and for that I will always tip my cap whenever I encounter a 3D Realms executive (note: this has yet to happen, but I've got my cap just in case).

Then, in 1997, Duke Nukem Forever was conceived and the franchise began its long walk off of a short pier. To date the unreleased game has been announced seven times, which, if you can do the math, is really six times more than something should be announced. Occasionally something pops up- a screen shot or a trailer- but there's yet to be any solid evidence that a game is actively being made, so at this point it's safe to assume that DNF is just a horrible social experiment for which there is no reward.

Now enter Trilogy, a series of three games to be released starting in the summer of 2009. Developer Apogee promises that the games will take full advantage of each hand-held's capabilities. The games will also switch from third person perspective, first person, side scrolling and isometric views. They're even angling for an M rating on the PSP titles so you know that if things don't burst into a mess of flesh and blood then they'll at least take off their clothes and jiggle a bit. Truth be told, Trilogy is sounding to be pretty kickass. So naturally the only way to express how awesome the game will be is with this trailer.

The trailer, sans gunfire.

Assuming you sat through the full four minutes you probably noticed that, not only was a video game completely absent, but nothing significant happened at all, kind of like the many DNF trailers. From the video all we can deduce is that Duke will strike a single pose and move without animation, guns will shoot non-threatening logos and the soundtrack will be provided by a top-notch Metallica cover band. Trilogy will no doubt have its fans but it's doubtful that it will be enough to makes us forget we should have been ogling beautifully rendered 3D strippers eleven years ago.

4.) Butterfly Garden

(xBox Live Arcade, WiiWare and PC)

Sometimes a video game comes along with a premise so mundane or ordinary that you can't help but wonder if it's some kind of hoax. Take Cooking Mama for example. In a medium that's filled with street fighting, dragon slaying and Gran Turismoing it's almost offensive that someone would suggest you play a game whose primary game play mechanic is cutting vegetables.

Way more fun than Tekken.

Despite suffering from a criminal shortage of lasers, robot masters and Nazis, IGN named Cooking Mama the Best Game of E3 in 2006 because the game was genuinely fun to play. That, and everyone likes pan-fried batter cake. Now let's look at Butterfly Garden.

Butterfly Garden revolves around raising, breeding, trading and collecting butterflies. This life sim also allows players to assume to role of a butterfly, because between the pupa stage and getting devoured by wasps, butterflies lead exciting lives. They are nature's Bruce Willis.

If you're holding your breath waiting for the fun part, you've probably passed out by now. Other than an online component that allows you to visit other gardens, there's nothing else to Butterfly Garden. No hadoukens, no Ferraris, just happy bugs and ten less dollars in your wallet.

3.) Imagination is the Only Escape

(DS)

Imagination is the Only Escape isn't necessarily a game dreaded by potential customers but rather by its own publisher.

Educational games are tricky beasts. You need to maintain the player's interest with the game play while the actual education needs to be useful, if not interesting. It's a difficult balance to be sure and when it never quite comes together you're left with a product that's either terrible like Captain Novolin or terrifying, as is the case with Magic Carousel.

This is sort of educational if you squint while playing it.

Imagination is an attempt to create a children's educational game about the Holocaust. If reading that sentence was enough to make you flinch, you aren't alone. Nintendo of America has stated that there would be no possibility for Imagination's release. The game's developer Luc Bernard is under the impression that Nintendo is afraid of depicting historical genocide despite his the game's mostly fantasy setting and his efforts to completely avoid on screen violence. 

"Whadda ya mean the Holocast is a sensitive subject? It's sparkly!"

Though this would be completely rational reasoning, it's much more likely that Nintendo simply wants to avoid the negative image associated with placing one of history's greatest tragedies in the hands of kids. It's the same reason why Mario's Time Machine never takes you to 1945 Hiroshima.

You might think Nintendo's direct refusal to release Imagination would be enough to discourage Bernard completely, but you'd be wrong. Instead he's pursing the logical plan to have Nintendo of Europe release the game, because The Holocaust has never, ever been a touchy subject in Europe.

Nope, never.

2.) Garfield Gets Real

(Wii, DS)

For years developers have have sat around their solid oak tables, puffing their fancy cigars, twisting their old-timey mustaches and asking "Can we make a quality Garfield video game?" and every time the gaming public has responded with answers that range from "No" to "Please stop making these games, they're physically painful." There have been eleven different Garfield titles not counting Gets Real, so I can only assume that somewhere in the world there is an unusually high demand for comic strip-based interactive media. A Dilbert text-adventure must be around the corner.

Based off the film of the same name, Garfield Gets Real challenges the player to recreate scenes from the film by acting as the director, controlling the camera, lighting, sound effects and props as well as stringing together various dance routines with Jim Davis's favorite merchandising machine. The developer wants to give the player the most control over the game as possible, which is just a very nice way of saying that it's up to you to make it entertaining. When you've finished the game you're rated on the quality of your movie, so when the game inevitably tells you how terrible it is, it's clearly not because Garfield stopped being relevant years ago but because you have a poor sense of the cinematic.

1.) 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand

I've been pouring over Blood on the Sand for a while now and I'm still not entirely sure how to summarize it without sounding like a complete jackass, so here's how THQ does it:

"After performing for a sold-out crowd in a fictional war torn middle-eastern country, 50 Cent discovers that his payment has been stolen by the local crime baron - a former CIA operative and death-dealing organ harvester.

Play as 50 Cent, the world's biggest hip-hop star, as you and the G-Unit battle across two countries in order to collect your payday and exact your revenge on those who have crossed you."

Try to wrap your head around this: Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson performs a concert in a region consistently ravaged by war. The local “crime baron” who I'll assume, for the sake of this scenario, flies a red triplane, steals his payment for said performance. 50 carefully considers his options and after weighing the pros and cons decides the best course of action to take is to strap on some body armor and go on a killing spree.

Now don't get me wrong here. I fully understand that video games can be a means to escape reality. If the medium allows for zombies to over run major metropolitan areas then a posse of hip-hop stars can bring tranquility to the Middle East. But the charm is lost when the narcissism is both obvious and terrible. For reference, 50's previous game Bulletproof had him seeking vengeance against the hitmen who attempted his murder, a perfectly believable scenario for a man who's been shot nine times. One game later and he's toppling criminal organizations in another hemisphere? C'mon Curtis. You've got more weapons than most military outfits and you'd rather get paid for two hours of work than bring al-Queda to justice? Shame on you.

Bulletproof sold around a million copies upon it's release in 2005 but reviews consistently drew negative numbers. The remake of the same game earned slightly better results in that it caused less people to break things out of frustration. If the pace continues then a 50 Cent video game should be getting average reviews in 2015, two games from now when 50 travels back in time and wins the Vietnam War by himself.

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