Robots: man's greatest creation or his eventual undoing? Metal companion or iron overlord? Transformer or Go-Bot? If video games are to be believed (and why wouldn't they?), robots will eventually be the cause of and solution to all of humanity's problems. And while you should start contemplating your place in society once the Great Mechanical Revolution passes, be aware that there are some robots you simply shouldn't fear. As a public service to you, our dear reader, we've compiled a list of our crappiest "Robot Masters" so you can plan accordingly while you stock your bomb shelter.
6.) Charge Man (Mega Man 5)
Quick scenario: You just broke out of a federal prison. Now that you're a free man, what's the first thing you do? If you're Dr. Wily then the answer is “groom your bitchin' mustache.” Then you construct a series of eight robots, each with a unique theme and novelty but also with a specific weakness that another robot in said series could easily exploit. Why? Because fuck sensible logic, that's why. Obviously Wily isn't the greatest mind of his generation, nor does he have much of an eye for design from any standpoint, but if you're wondering exactly when the evil genius lost one marble too many, look no further than Mega Man 5. Specifically, Charge Man, the train-based robot master.
All aboard the pain train!
Resident robot expert Wikipedia states that Charge Man was “Designed for global transport, (Charge Man) is coal-powered, thus costing a fortune to keep powered. His Charge Kick ability provides a quick burst of speed, and he can fire red-hot coal rocks out of his smokestack.” Chances are you didn't read the bits about sliding or the awesome smokestack because the concept of a coal powered robot blew your mind clear out your ass. If a supposed maniacal genius comes to the conclusion that the best way to power his killing machines is coal, chances are he's somehow mentally handicapped and is a threat to no one outside of alternative fuel industries.
5.) Wood Man (Mega Man 2)
In the original Megaman the six Robot Masters were actually built by Dr. Light, explaining why they were functional compared to the later entries. These originals were built to serve a specific purpose; Bomb Man was designed for construction work, Elec Man to power energy plants and Guts Man simply to body slam Andre the Giant.
File photo.
Despite their unique powers and awesome parkas, the six are disposed of by our hero, leaving Dr. Wily on his own when he hatches his second plot. This leads to the creation of such questionable constructs as Wood Man, a robot made entirely of wood. Suddenly we understand why he needed to steal the robots in the first place: he's a fucking idiot.
If you're going to leave your defense in the hands of 100% recycled materials, you'd probably give it a badass weapon, like a chain-saw or an exploding shark, right? Wrong.
Behold! The fury of leaves!
He's armed with a shield of leaves, something substantially weaker than himself. Is there an ongoing economic crisis in 20XX or did environmentalists suddenly become militant engineers?
4.) Spring Man (Mega Man 7)
When not cutting down trees for his creations Dr. Wily can also be seen gutting couches for the sake of his art.
Spring Man's body is made of 2,000 springs. By our best guess Wily's brainstorming session went something like this:
Jump, jumpy
Maybe bouncy?
Powered by coal? No.
…
Make it jump
Trampoline Man?
I miss Guts Man.
Outside of jumping, Spring Man's skills are limited to flipping over and jabbing your back, giving him all the same qualities of a shitty mattress with only half the appeal.
3.) Every Boss from Mega Man 6
The plot to Mega Man 6 lets you know that you're going to be in for some real bullshit robots. You see, the mysterious Mr. X hosts a robot fighting tournament, because in the year 20XX the Super Bowl is totally gay and Wrestlemania gets cancelled. Various engineers from around the globe enter their creations only to have the eight finalists stolen and reprogrammed by Mr. X, who turns out to be Dr. Wily (let's face it, a guy who converts a giant fan into Air Man isn't all that creative). The result is this:
Even Mega Man looks underwhelmed.
It seems that some of the entrants missed the memo that their robots would be fighting to a horrible, violent death and not standing around looking ridiculous. Case in point, Plant Man:
Flower, or terror?
The folks from Brazil put all their hopes for automaton glory in Plant Man. This is particularly odd because rather than be built for the purpose of burning down jungles or stopping time, this guy is just a mascot for a botanical garden, quite possibly one of the least violent places on Earth. We're guessing no one knew the whole “organic robot” idea was a flawed because Dr. Wily doesn't like to bring up Wood Man in public. If you still aren't convinced these guys were half-assed, we present Tomahawk Man:
Hailing from the good ol' USA Tomahawk Man's not just a heartless machine, he's a representation of everything America stands for: stereotypes. The designers kept him true to his heritage; rather than risk losing his unique flavor with a silly weapon they settled on him shooting tomahawks out of his arm, just like Chief Sitting Bull and Tatanka Buffalo.
2.) Junk Man (Mega Man 7)
Junk Man is, much like his name implies, made of junk. If you're wondering how this is useful to anyone at all, here's how Wikipedia explains it: "Junk Man's body is held together by a series of electromagnets. He was designed to collect parts from garbage that could be used for building robots. He throws said junk at foes."
He's kind of like a robo-hobo.
To break this down further, Dr. Wily pissed away his assets stealing robots and assuming alter egos. Rather than serve his jail time, become rehabilitated and contribute to society, he builds a robot to scavenge junkyards with the intention to build more robots out of the countless car doors and broken televisions he'll find. Ignoring that a Magnavox can only go so far, this is actually a pretty good idea. But then that last sentence, “He throws said junk at his foes.” That sort of defeats its own purpose, doesn't it? It's akin to making a refrigerator to keep your sandwiches cool but having the refrigerator defend itself by throwing said sandwiches at its foes.
1.) Top Man (Mega Man 3)
The final entry on our list, Top Man is perhaps the most absurd of the Robot Masters, which is really saying something. Before Dr. Wily reprogrammed him, Top Man was a dancing robot. We're not really sure what this implies; either prom night is a lot scarier in the future or there's an all robot version of Rent in the works.
As you've no doubt guessed, Top Man's primary attack is spinning. Rotating leaves a bit to be desired in terms of combat capabilities, however, so when the situation gets dire he unleashes the awesome power of tops. We seem to remember another robot that had a fixation with tops...
Maybe there's a historical precedent to this thing.
Robert Brockway(9 months ago)
Oh man, I have such a thing for Junk Man - with various of my user names ranging from 'gomijin' (Japanese for Junkman,) to robohobo. I just really appreciated another writer pointing out that he was a robotic homeless man.
A better earned ability would be a jug of Carlo Rossi, which you can proffer to enemies who, upon drinking from it, find out that you have horrible mouth-herpes.
Ben Dennison(9 months ago)
You have no idea how proud I am about finally using the term "robo-hobo" in a published article.
Xenol(9 months ago)
Another reason why Top Man is the worst boss: the weapon you get. It's the most random, asinine weapon in Mega Man history. Aside from having to do something you don't want to do to use it (You have to touch an enemy), but most Mega Man fans agree that damage and energy consumption is basically up to whatever the game feels like.
Pete(8 months ago)
Awesome article, keep them coming! Better spell check though :S
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