When a series ages there's a need for something fresh. Either the formula becomes stale or the characters have become too familiar. For whatever reason, something drastic needs to be done and so the spin-off is born. However, in the world of entertainment some premises are so far out of left field, or the character so unnecassary to earn a starring role, that the mere mention of the idea should warrant a swift kick in the head. As a service to you, our humble reader, we present the seven worst spin-offs to classic games, with the hopes that future generations will learn from our mistakes.

7) Hotel Mario

Mario games have a pretty simple formula: if you see a turtle, crush it. If you see a free-roaming fungus, consume it. It's not Citizen Kane or anything, but it's managed to make Super Mario Bros. one of the highest selling games in history, so it's safe to assume it works. Now imagine a different Mario who, instead of crushing mushroom men with his beloved Italian loafers, is content with making sure all the doors in a room are closed.

"Careful, you're letting the draft in!"

Such is Hotel Mario, a puzzle game for the failed Phillips CD-I system. Once again Bowser has kidnapped Princess Toadstool but has also constructed a series of hotels for no real reason. When you're in control of the crown one would think that the kingdom was your Best Western, but whatever. In order to rescue the princess Mario must advance through the many hotels by making sure all of the doors are properly closed. There's no logical explaination as to how closing doors brings Bowser to justice. It's safe to assume that Bowser is just manipulating Mario's obsessive compulsive disorder.

6) Sonic Drift

Here's an interesting idea: Sonic car racing. We imagine the meeting for this one went something like this:

Executive A: Hey, I've got an idea. Let's take Sonic characters and have them race in cars as opposed to running, fighting robots and defeating obese mustachioed men.

Executive B: So what you're suggesting is that we take these characters and strip them of the traits that make them unique by placing them in motor vehicles? Is that honestly what you just proposed?

Executive A: Why yes. Yes it is.

Executive B: You, sir, just got a promotion. Have it on my desk by Monday.

5) Sonic R

Sonic the Hedgehog is kind of like Mario if Mario had an attitude. Also, if he were a hedgehog. Every aspect of Sonic is extreme, from his exclusive all chili-dogs diet to his reckless disregard of any and all speed limits. In fact, it's the speed that made him a hit. Though Mario can run his obesity prevents him from doing much more than a gentle jog before giving up and going home. In the end Sonic is the king of speed, which leaves one to wonder how one Sonic racing game could possibly suck as much as it does, let alone two.

In two dimensions Sonic has no trouble moving but when you throw in a third he runs like he's having a stroke while covered in honey bees. Pair that with the lack of adorable animals-turned-killer robots and one thing is certain: if it's a bad idea Sega will try it again, as evidence by Sonic R's own existence.

4) Mega Man Soccer

In the ongoing life and death struggle between man and machine every now and then you just need to get away from it all with a little soccer.

Dr. Wily scales back his usual plans of global domination and instead has his robots interrupt a soccer match and occupy the field. Mega Man, having nothing better to do, decides to face of against the Robot Masters in individual soccer matches rather than, you know, shoot them with his buster. Seriously, why do you play Mega Man games? It isn't for the ground breaking home décor of Guts Man's lair. It's for the hardcore robot violence. Strip that away and they may as well not even be robots. They're just horrifically deformed people.

Even more unsatisfying is the ending:

“Congartulations?” Dammit Roll, we didn't break Wood Man's knees just to read a typo. Shouldn't Wily go to prison or something? And look! The fucking robots are getting away!

Oh well. We we can always try again at the FIFA championships.

3) Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures

We love Pac-Man because we know what to expect from him. There's a maze, some odd looking pills on the floor and four whimsically colored ghosts determined to end Pac-Man's existence. We loved it in Pac-Man, we loved it in Ms. Pac-Man and we'll love it until the end of days. But have you ever wondered what would happen if we saw Pac-Man's life outside of the maze? What would it be like if we peered into his family life? If you're one of those who needed a new Pac-Man we're holding you personally responsible for this:

Pac-Man going to get milk for his baby. Riveting.

Taking Pac-Man and putting him in a real world setting is akin to taking a G.I. Joe and shoving it up your ass; it's painful, it's not at all fun and it's really hard to explain to others without getting strange looks in return.

2) Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rupeeland

If you're a fan of The Legend of Zelda's Tingle you're most likely a sexual deviant. Don't get all upset about it, it's just scientific fact. Everything about Tingle, from his voice to his unpleasantly snug fitting costume, is an assault on the senses.

"Excuse me, sir. I think you dropped your dignity."

Logically the next step with such a character is to give him his own game.

The game tells the story of how Tingle went from being an ordinary man to a fairy man-child-thing. He encounters an old man named Uncle Rupee who convinces him that there's a paradise called Rupeeland and the only way in is to feed Uncle Rupee's tower more rupees. The tower will grow and Tingle will find eternal bliss waiting at the top. Being the subhuman he is, Tingle buys into this bullshit and, with the aid of Uncle Rupee, transforms into a fairy whose life-force depends entirely on rupees. Once he understands that his blood-pressure has a direct correlation to the balance of his savings account he eventually catches on that Uncle Rupee was just fucking with him, proving once and for all that everyone hates Tingle.

It's not so bad, though. So long as he's in his own game he won't start randomly appearing in classic games, right?

1) Tingle's Balloon Fight

Well damn it all.

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