Centuries and centuries ago some guy named Dante penned a little work known as the Divine Comedy which outlined all the wonderment and fun that could be found in the many, many levels of Hell. Real family stuff.
Dante lived in a simpler time. A time before internet pornography and entire networks devoted to nothing but food, so it’s safe to reason his levels for such vices as lust and gluttony are far, far overcrowded, and that a need for some more specific, more horrifying Hells has arisen. Shunning all natural instincts of self preservation, Gameist has seen fit to delve into the most horrifying of all these and document what is found inside Cosplay Hell.
Circle One – Limbo
Dante’s Hell: Home to the unwittingly unholy such as unbaptized babies and good folk that never got around to finding God.
Cosplay Hell: The Pets
The first circle of Hell isn’t really all that bad of a place, seeing as how most of its residents ended up there more through bad luck than bad choices. Residing in Cosplay Hell's outer ring you’ll find the poor creatures that were unfortunate enough to stumble into the possession of a cosplayer, and in-turn find themselves forced into public in a ridiculous costume. Their admission into the least damning rings also works in conjunction with that fact that, even in costume, they’re still usually pretty cute.
Circle Spotlight:
Mr. Mittenboots hates you, and the name you gave him. And your kitchen floor is hideous.
Circle Two – The Lustful
Dante’s Hell: Those who made the most natural of sins, choosing carnal pleasures over God, are forced to spend eternity being blown about wildly. Inexplicably, this happens in pairs.
Cosplay Hell: The Attention Whores
Ladies, there’s such a thing as overkill. You’re an attractive woman that likes video games enough to dress up as a character out of one for fun. You don’t need to walk around the convention letting your labia breathe to get all the attention you could dream of. They bait nerd traps with girls like you, so showing up ninety percent naked is kind of like showing up at a bar absolutely naked. Sure, we appreciate it, but you probably could’ve gotten laid with a lot more on.
Circle Spotlight:
“Why no, my father didn’t love me as a child. How did you know?”
Circle Three – The Gluttons
Dante’s Hell: A dank, disgusting marsh that smells of waste, which is probably to be expected of the home to all those who made a life out of lying around consuming massive amounts of future-waste.
Cosplay Hell: The Hefty Heroes
Look, we understand that not everybody can have the kind of rock-hard abs and stunning good looks that come with being an online comedy writer. It’s not fair to expect as much. On the other hand, we don’t think it’s too much to ask for some semblance of an understanding of how that newfangled “mirror” thing works and the ability to recognize that thin straps of fabric were not meant to be put under such strenuous work. It’s just not fair to the poor cotton seed who worked hard his whole life in the hopes of ending up as part of thong to end up part of a pair of short shorts that are slowly becoming sucked into life as a thong.
Circle Spotlight:
Under no circumstances should a resident of the third circle dress like a resident of the second circle.
Circle Four – The Hoarders and Spendthrifts
Dante’s Hell: Life’s former tightwads and former Lamborghini owners spend eternity dragging large weights while bickering over which extreme lifestyle was the right choice (Hint: they’re all in Hell, so probably neither.)
Cosplay Hell: The Dollar Store Warriors
There comes a moment in every cosplayer’s life where they decide that they just don’t give a crap what society thinks about their hobby. It’s kind of a must when that hobby involves pretending you’re a teenage forest boy in green and white tights that you accept a lot of people are probably going to look down on you from without the cosplay community. That’s why there’s something to be said for putting together a costume that those within the cosplay community can applaud, otherwise you’re just that friendless guy wearing a cardboard box.
Circle Spotlight:
At least the other examples can play the ironic angle. This is just sad, and Samus having a crotch-bulge will haunt our nightmares for weeks to come.
Circle Five – The River Styx
Dante’s Hell: The vengeful are more easily identified in this circle, as they spend eternity fighting throughout the swampy Styx. The true stars of the level however reside beneath the waters, the sullen, so deficient in any semblance of pride that even sitting up to spend some time above water is beyond their self-worth.
Cosplay Hell: The Bit Characters
First of all, let’s make it clear we realize the one guy above is technically a Mega Man, but come on, who are you kidding? As for why it’s so terrible to cosplay as a bit character instead of Solid Snake (really, even people going as other heroes probably should have just gone as Solid Snake too) it’s because you’re investing many, many hours of your life to get yourself into a character, and you can pick any character ever. If the most you can aspire to for your efforts is being that midget that tells the real star “Tough nuts, fat man, you’re at the wrong castle,” or a nameless grunt who’s no-doubt bound to run face-first into enemy fire only if the hero doesn’t accidentally run them over first, you’ve got some self-image issues.
Circle Spotlight:
T-shape? Really? Everybody knows the I is the star. Hell, at least the L-shaped friend can still make phallic jokes all night.
Circle Six – The Heretics
Dante’s Hell: Oddly enough, the sixth ring marks the first appearance of searing heat, which you would expect to be far more common in Hell. Those who actively pursued beliefs opposed to God are baked into little heathen cookies in their eternally hot caskets.
Cosplay Hell: The Mandex Wearers
Scientifically speaking, there is nothing more of an affront against God than the male form crammed into form-fitting spandex. It doesn’t matter what you do, or where you try to tuck things, at the end of the day there is going to be an unsightly bulge. For some reason, many cosplayers still set out to permanently destroy our image of some of our coolest fictional characters (and Captain Planet too, apparently.)
Circle Spotlight:
Ignoring the obvious joke, we’d like to point out they actually screened Batman & Robin on his forehead that night. In fairness to Forehead, as a gaming site, that’s still closer to a girl than some of the people laughing at this picture have gotten.
Circle Seven – The Violent
Dante’s Hell: The violent circle is home to those attracted to the unnatural in the brutish and the beastial. Once again showing a tremendous lack of understanding of how to punish somebody, the beastial are lorded over by a Minotaur, who a lot of them probably want to bone.
Cosplay Hell: The Furries
Look, we realize that Dante’s violent circle was reserved for actual animal lovers, not just weirdoes that like pretending to be animals. We’re not saying that furries are into beastiality, we’re just saying it seems like a preliminary step. Furries are unique in that all of the more broad communities, which themselves are generally mocked (like here, for example) in-turn look down upon furries as unworthy of being associated with them.
Circle Spotlight:
Apparently nobody informed her conventions aren’t actually held underwater, and an outfit which allows walking is beneficial.
Circle Eight – The Fraudulent
Dante’s Hell: You would think being a phony would be lower on the damned scale than being a murderer, but you’d be wrong. With the fraudulent coming in just one step shy of Satan, it’s pretty clear God did not like the popular kids in high school.
Cosplay Hell: The Crossdressers
Then again, maybe the big guy had a point. Who hasn’t been sitting at home, playing as their favorite accurately-proportioned female character in a fighting game and thought, ‘you know, this digital babe is pretty hot, but you know what would make her hotter? A neckbeard and a set of balls.’
Circle Spotlight:
Fuck, how do you get vomit out of a laptop keyboard?
Circle Nine – The Traitors
Dante’s Hell: The lowest of the low in Hell are the traitors, and no traitor is worse than the one and only Lucifer, who resides at the very bowels of the final circle, buried to the waist, and must be climbed down in order to escape from hell back to the real world. One shudders to think of the horror of climbing down the Dark Lord’s grundle.
Cosplay Hell: Tron Guy
Is there any doubt who the Lord and ruler of Cosplay Hell will be? Anybody can show their appreciation for a show with some cat ears and a few hours on a sewing machine. That’s child’s play. Only one man turned a hockey helmet, a frisbee and an opaque white unitard into something so horrifyingly brilliant that it would have been a crime for him not to become e-famous as a result. What started out as one man’s quest to build the rockingest, most crotch-showingest Tron costume has turned into TronGuy.net, and, let’s face it, if you’ve never been there at least once, you probably haven’t heard of the internet.
Circle Spotlight:
Ladies and Gentleman, the Lord of the Cosplay Underworld
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
An excellent read. I like the Dante's Inferno spin you put on it. Kudos.
JASON(11 months ago)
Circle #3's spotlight is f-ing hot!!! You should be ashamed for making fun of her...
garrr(11 months ago)
http://salty5150.deviantart.com/art/Bridget-and-I-No-103204760
based off of
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/lady_bedivere/Reference%20Images/guilty-gear-xx-accent-core-20070712.jpg
Circle 8!!!
John Jones(11 months ago)
No way dude thats insane!
RT
www.privacy.at.tc
xmido(11 months ago)
cant believe this article is actually digged. its bullshit. cosplay is about fun. its not about what is right and what you think is wrong. just fun.
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
^^^^
This is also a comedy website so you may want to consider reading this with a sense of humor.
Malcolm Christiansen(11 months ago)
Ben, please try to conduct yourself with the proper reverence for these many fat, sexually confused people who dress up as bodily-dysmorphic fictional characters.
Rhys(11 months ago)
Is it just me, or is Fat Yuna kinda cute?
Pretty sure it's TronGuy.net, by the way.
babywiththepower(11 months ago)
@ Rhys
I'm pretty sure it's just you.
graphicartist2k5(11 months ago)
thank you for putting into words the EXACT SAME WAY i feel about cosplay! there are those that can pull it off, but for the most part, there's ALWAYS those around that THINK they can pull it off, but just come off looking like a bunch of dumbass retards.
moominsean(11 months ago)
faye crossdresser rocks!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sjrohde/190270701/in/set-557936/
Akolyte01(11 months ago)
*Picture of crotch bulge Robin*
Hahahaha-
"that’s still closer to a girl than some of the people laughing at this picture have gotten."
nyoro~n
rei fetish(11 months ago)
so you're raging against these guys and you can do better or are you all talk?
Malcolm Christiansen(11 months ago)
"So, you think cosplayers are silly, huh? What a load of bull honky! Maybe if you were dressed as Tifa Lockheart circa Advent Children I could take you seriously, but come on!"
Tellah.Sage(11 months ago)
I agree with all of these and shudder at the honesty.
Crotch-bulge Robin probably got laid that night though...so...fist-bumps and respect knuckles to him.
Larry(11 months ago)
I think robin is a chick. I think its a false bulge.
Peter Benis(11 months ago)
mkay... maybe non-asians do not should cosplay.
anon(11 months ago)
robin is hard allready...
Sasuke92062(11 months ago)
LOL that robin kid has a porn site too!
Oshi(11 months ago)
Wait. Wait. How the fuck is Irenes from Chrono Cross considered furry in the least bit? Seriously dude.
Malcolm Christiansen(11 months ago)
This is just a shot in the dark, but maybe it's because Irenes is an anthropomorphic creature with both human and animal characteristics? Maybe?
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r10t3r(11 months ago)
This is just the funniest collection of human beings I've seen in a long time!
Ed(11 months ago)
CAn you say christian biggot. :3
Ash(11 months ago)
Your only response is "Christian Bigot"? That kind of sudden and completely off-kilter response to what was meant to be a comedy post and was actually fairly inoffensive to everyone but three groups... If you were fat(which I am) and overly sensitive(which I am not), you would've yelled something about how not everyone can be skinny. If you were a hot female who regularly went out in public 90% nude you would've called him a virgin, therefore....
I smell some singed Fur.
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
^^^
I could but I'm pretty sure it would be irrelevant.
Alex(11 months ago)
@Ed: You're an idiot. Obviously you've never heard of Dante's Inferno. Get off 4chan and visit a damn library you anti-social ignoramus.
Malcolm Christiansen(11 months ago)
You guys should fight.
LOL WUT(11 months ago)
Uhh so am i only the only one that caught were he said the halo marine was snake....you she be fucking ashamed of yourself for mistaking the two...Captain king does not shine upon you.
Luke Loughead(11 months ago)
WTF? I just found this article randomly with StumbleUpon and I'm in one of the pictures. That's me with the green hair dressed in purple. I'm at Anime North dressed as CATS from Zero Wing. That's so weird!
BTW, I am aware that it's a cheapass costume. It was thrown together on very short notice after I was invited to the con for my first visit ever two days prior. It's made of dollar store items and Wal-Mart clearance fabric. It was a big hit, though!
Ben Dennison(11 months ago)
"you she be"
Congrats on that magnificent typo, bro.
Anonymous(11 months ago)
>JASON(4 days ago)
>Circle #3's spotlight is f-ing hot!!! You should be ashamed for making fun of her...
MAYBE IF YOU GET TURNED ON BY BEING EATEN OR SUFFOCATED UNDER FLAPS OF FAT, YEAH THAT'D MAKE HER HOT.
dj(11 months ago)
i am really getting sick of seeing that picture of troy and kim. they were in the middle of a hot and heavy make out session and they were interupted by an inconsiderate person wanting a picture. they are still together and a wonderful couple and such sweet people and i will defend him to death. my gawd, why cant people just drop it? no wonder why he doesnt cosplay anymore!
by the way, he owns cosplaydeviants.com too... probably seen more hot naked girls than most attractive men! haha.
not that i dont have a sense of humor... i laughed a lot the first time i saw it but now it is kinda old. :/
Joelio(11 months ago)
I don't see how you can complain about circle two. Teenaged girls wearing very little clothing is always a plus in my book. You should remove circle two lest you convince some young thang to rethink dressing as Riku at a con. That would be more criminal than all the other cosplay transgressions on this page.
Hollee(11 months ago)
I've lived less than 2 miles from Tron Guy since he moved to this town about ten or so years ago. It's pretty sweet.
Bert(11 months ago)
Tron Guy looks alot like milton from office space.
suzuki(11 months ago)
hee hee
HAHAHAHAHAH
hee hee
Now i know why people follow religion so they don't end up in the circle of hell ruled by the lord Lucifer!
*best quote:
f**ck! how do i get vomit out of a keyboard!?
Osama(11 months ago)
Haha great article! I loled, I cried, I cringed :P Honestly, Cosplay is usually so laughable ...
Nachan(11 months ago)
XD this article was highly amusing, i agree that some things just shouldn't be done. Especially to the defenseless animals that have no voice to say "W T F"?
ATXScene(11 months ago)
Good post :-P I love Tron guy.
Ed(11 months ago)
You sound mad. You should read your bible or something :3
Kyokakola(11 months ago)
LMFAO.
This is hilarious.
mouseandcat(11 months ago)
from garrr:
"http://salty5150.deviantart.com/art/Bridget-and-I-No-103204760
based off of
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/lady_bedivere/Reference%20Images/guilty-gear-xx-accent-core-20070712.jpg
Circle 8!!!"
Well, at least only one of those would be a cross-dresser. Bridget is pretty spot on, if he aged a few years, I suppose.
John(11 months ago)
You know "bestial" doesn't mean "attracted to animals", right? It means "like a beast; animalistic". "Bestiality" is the sexual fetish for animals. Which to be even more pedantic "furries" don't necessarily have...
Funny list, anyway.Circle 8 was... disturbing.
CPU9(11 months ago)
Hey fuckwits, Inferno is fiction. Religion has nothing to do with this startling acurate post.
Furfags go yiff in Hell. 3rd from the bottom apparently.
maree(11 months ago)
and the levels of heaven are..? i like circle two. i would say its more heaven then hell.
AndyMan1337(10 months ago)
Oh god, the Gluttons!! My eyes!! X_@
Max(10 months ago)
i actually met the team rocket guy in circle eight. He kissed me on the cheek at Wizard World Philadelphia and it was horrifying.
Nikhita(10 months ago)
This website is RUBISH!!!!
Secret(10 months ago)
It's MAN-FAYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lee-cifer(10 months ago)
I cannot understand why these cosplayers never ask for advance or at the very least lurk cosplay.com forums for advice. A dance belt would help, male ballet dancers use them to form fit their junk so they never have that problem. Hell if you want to go a cheap route, get a cup for your balls!
Anon(10 months ago)
LOL! This had me laughing. Btw. Where do you put the ultimate attention whores?
We have one here so popular there's actually a fan's day for her, where her fans can also cosplay AS her. no fuck.
Jesse(10 months ago)
That's the funniest shieza I've seen in a long time, I love it. We need more of this kinda critique out there and yes, people do need to think before they go out and show themselves off. I don't wanna take my kids out and bump into some 90% lil half cat half human looking chick. Granted that'd probably make my day and my sons but man would my wife be disgusted.
james(10 months ago)
are you stupid ???
all of you like are dumb ass
vinzenz(10 months ago)
Bwahaha, have I got an addition for you on the furry angle!
Check this mindripping Krystal out!
http://img21.imageshack.us/my.php?image=158499cosplaykrystalsta.jpg
http://img15.imageshack.us/my.php?image=158302krystalstarfox.jpg
Don't forget there's that 82 year old Rikku wandering around somewhere too. She should definitely share #1 with Tronguy as his wife, if only for sheer fanboy destruction and rage.
in b4 maree finds out syphilis also resides in circle 2, much like Kenny McCormick
Also: Who hurt more people? Bernie Madoff or John Wayne Gacy? Ken Lay or Ed Gein. There's your answer to fraudulent being worse than murder. (genocide and the like falls under multiple categories, so its likely Hitler took his special train to hell to ferry him and his fellows like Stalin and Pol Pot back and forth between levels.)
random plug: http://honeybunny.50megs.com/aboutme/ hot nonlevel2 cosplayer. Also the only cosplayer I ever knew who knew about and was INTO Dark Wizard. Megabonus!
leimrod(10 months ago)
Wow, great list. Maybe a cosplay heaven list next ;)
Yiffinhell(9 months ago)
So then, no cos player will eve go to heaven? ... You covered pretty much every one. So i agree.
omgwtfbbq(8 months ago)
Ohhh wow, you are so clever. Making fun of people you'll never know shit about on the internet. This is like, the FIRST time this has ever been done! And you're so witty about it.
Seriously, what are you, a high school bully that doesn't have an outlet for anyone to pick on anymore? Or were you yourself just picked on so much in high school (or still are?) that doing it to other people makes you feel so big, strong, and clever.
Grow the fuck up. This kind of shit doesn't appeal to anyone but 14 year olds, which I'm seriously questioning your OWN mentality. Find other ways to make yourself feel entertaining to people, if you're creative enough.
Iseriad(8 months ago)
The girl in the spotlight in the sixth circle is actually a pretty decent costue set. now who the hell let her get anywhere near that robin f*** up I'll never know. (and I've been much much closer to a girl much sexier than that (who is not nor ever will be a member of my family. I'm from the US. not Japan wher she lives.))
Supporter of Cosplay(6 months ago)
I believe you are being WAY too harsh on the tron guy, and the people cosplaying right. Such as the first 'Dead or Alive' cosplay. As well as Toad, the fishwomen and the Punisher. You obviously didn't realize the 'T' and 'L' was a game, Tetris. The megaman was well and same as the Sailor Moon cat, Luna (Though I agree. The floor IS ugly D: )
But seriously, lighten up on the cosplayers. Most of the animal 'cosplay' are Halloween costumes. Animals aren't allowed inside of conventions unless its an 'assist' dog.
I did enjoy your comments on the seriously terrible cosplays that give us better cosplayers a bad name. *sigh*
JFlores(6 months ago)
amen!
Lily(6 months ago)
I don't mind circle 2, as long as you aren't someone from circle 3 trying to fit into one of the outfits from circle 2. >_> goodness knows we've seen too many 200+ lbs women in belly tops and thongs at cons.
But yeah.. Circle 3's spotlight... totally got my hubby and i barfing dinner. Either way thanks for the laugh! ^^
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DarkMage6(4 months ago)
I can't say I really agree with any of this. I enjoy cosplaying, and I have never thought, 'Man, they're doing it wrong.'
It's all about fun, not your body weight, color, or costume.
People who do stuff like this are people who don't know what they are talking about, or have no life.
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M.J.(2 months ago)
:O
I cant believe I never found this before now LOL
Saeko(2 months ago)
"Cosplaying is all about having fun." To a certain extent, it's true. But I also believe you should at least choose characters you can pull off. In 3 the girls obviously do NOT look right in those costumes. I'm an overweight girl, I've never cosplayed - because I don't want to end up on this. There are 'gluttons' that don't look too bad, but often the largest people choose skinny characters that they look nothing like & look really horrible in - then look confused when people say never do this again.
I don't have a problem with the heretics. At least they aren't that out of shape. That fabric naturally clings so maybe wearing something sculpted underneath might be a good idea, but the costumes are pretty well done. If someone goes that far, normally they at least try do it well. (& shame on you for dissing Captain Planet... He's a hero!!)
TBC----
Saeko(2 months ago)
My pet peeve, as a fan & a player myself when I either lose the weight or find a character who fits me, is people doing it wrong. Circles 5 & 8 are the best examples. They should never have left the house.
I hope to see a Heaven of some sort to compliment this, because there ARE good cosplayers out there - we just don't see them as much as the bad ones on the internet, because the bad ones are funnier.
Also, you have to buy a new keyboard. ^_^
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lol holy shiii~(1 month ago)
As a member of the cosplay community, I find this extremely hilarious XD
The other cosplayers bitching about this, really need to get a sense of humor.
People kind of give up their right to not be laughed at when they choose to go out in public in some of these outfits.
Oh man, this made me laugh.
Circle #3 Spotlight isn't wearing any panties. I think my eyes started to bleed.
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I cannot understand why these cosplayers never ask for advance or at the very least lurk cosplay.com forums for advice. A dance belt would help, male ballet dancers use them to form fit their junk so they never have that problem. Hell if you want to go a cheap route, get a cup for your balls!
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