It's got to be a dull life, designing videogame weapons.  Melee weapon, pistol, shotgun, uzi, etcetera, etcetera.  Doom's line-up has been standard for twenty-five years now, which is forever in nerd years.  Can you blame these creativity-starved designers for going a little crazy when they got the chance?  We can't, because these things rule.

#5. The Land-Shark Gun (Armed and Dangerous )

As the name implies, the Land-Shark Gun is a gun that discharges fully-grown sharks into the very earth beneath your feet where they burrow around, occasionally savaging your foes.

This one is probably pretty self-explanatory, so rather than discussing this gun's absolute contempt for basic physics, biology, and animal rights, we'll approach its silliness from a different direction: by describing the bizarre, alarming sex act the Land Shark shares its name with.

The woman stands, bent over and braced against a wall (wearing a helmet if she knows what's good for her.)  The man stands erect (tee hee) on the other side of the room.  With ceremony, he raises his arms above his head to resemble a shark's fin, and begins humming the them from Jaws .  As the theme reaches its climax (giggle,) the man sprints full-tilt towards his partner and if he is very, very lucky he only snaps his dick off and doesn't concuss himself.

Suggested Improvements:

We aren't saying that the Land-Shark Gun would necessarily be better if it shot naked, engorged men humming the Jaws theme.  All we're saying is that it probably wouldn't be any less terrifying.  Maybe we could  be met halfway, with the gun's next iteration firing sharks sporting massive erections.  And there's absolutely nothing weird about us wanting to see that.

#4. The Bio-Sludge Rifle (Unreal Tournament Series )

Something of an oddity in the UT universe, where even the most basic handguns carry enough ordinance to level small buildings, the bio-rifle sprays mildly corrosive goop around the battlefield in varying quantities.  Which really makes it less like a gun and more like a horrifically malformed alien penis, but since we're a little worn out from all the erections in the last entry that's all we're going to say on the subject.

What launches the bio-rifle from "odd" to full-on "absurd" is the sheer retarded manliness it conveys in the hands of a skilled user.  "Keep your rocket launchers and flak cannons," cries the bio-rifle enthusiast.  "Away with  your tactical nukes and lightning guns and shock rifles.  Take them from my sight, for I shall be using the futuristic incarnation of the world's worst super-soaker.   Fear me ."

Suggested Improvements:

Since the bio-rifle's defining trait is its near-complete uselessness when compared with every other gun in the game, why not intesify that?  Give it a clip size of 4, and only let it hold two clips.  Make players type in a code phrase before taking a shot.  Make every third shot backfire, covering the unlucky shooter in goo.  Anyone who can win a deathmatch armed with that puppy will have to be the Internet equivalent of Conan the Barbarian.

#3. The Keyblade (Kingdom Hearts )

Kingdom Hearts' Keyblade is likely the hardest-working weapon in modern gaming.  It slices, it dices, it opens all manner of lock, it shoots magic fireballs, and it does some wacky business with 'world hearts' that doesn't make a lot of sense but makes for a damn fine cutscene.  Not only does it do all that, but it does it in a variety of festive colors and flavors !

We'll admit that there are definitely worse household items that you could super-size, sharpen, and hand to a pre-teen with no instructions or safety precautions (we're thinking of a plastic-bag-blade or a broken-glass-blade here.)  What really impresses us with this sword it the sheer ambition inherent in not only making a key do something a key doesn't normally do (that is, kill people,) but also making it do everything else as well .

(Here's a fun Kingdom Hearts drinking game: take a shot every time Sora says "friends" while looking like an absolute pillock.  Make sure you bring enough booze, and keep 911 on speed-dial.)

Dur?

Suggested Improvements:

The Keyblade's foremost strength is undoubtedly its versatility, but we on the Gameist staff think that it could be even more so.  That's why we recommend upgrading it with a wi-fi connection, a carabiner so it doesn't get lost, and a flashing headlight for increased visibility.  After you've done all that, just add the corkscrew and you've got a weapon that'll see you through any emergency!

#2. The Electrodriver (Painkiller )

As Yahtzee so eloquently put it , Painkiller's Electrodriver is a gun that "shoots shurikens and lightning."  That's it.  That's the whole gun, an astonishingly user-friendly mash-up of ancient Chinese weaponry and the primal terror of electric cloud discharges. 

The really interesting thing about the Electrodriver is that upon learning of it, you instantly know what kind of person you are.  If you read the above description and thought "That's awesome ," you are a healthy, normal individual.  If you read the description and thought anything else, you are a hollow, empty drone that hates joy and bleeds pure evil.

The best part about the Electrodriver is that while you wield it, you are transformed into a completely different person.  Your everyday shotgun may, at best, make you feel like a backwoods moonshiner, protecting your still from John Law.  But with the Electrodriver, you turn into a powerful ninja-wizard, hurling shurikens and bolts of raw electricity in the way gods do.  (The name that we on the Gameist staff chose for our ideal ninja-wizard was "Gandalf Tokugawa.")

Suggested Improvements:

We won't beat around the bush - the Electrodriver is nothing short of the perfect gun, which sort of precludes any feeble augmentations we might suggest.  That being said, we have come up with several different weapons, Electrodriver-esque in their jaw-slackening awesomeness:

- a cannon that fires exploding pirate ships

- a machine gun made of swords

- a dolphin, only the dolpin's blowhole shoots depleted Uranium rounds

- a pair of boxing gloves with lightsabers duct-taped on, and

- a magic land-mine that teleports you into an alternate dimension populated by billions of ticked-off Clint Eastwoods.

#1. Clawdovic Cacadoos Vulgaris AKA The Parrot Bomb (Serious Sam II )

There really isn't a lot we can do to talk this up.  Yes, that is a trained parrot with a payload of high-yield explosives hanging 'round its neck.  Yes, the parrot probably has it coming to him.  No, the parrot's suicide is likely not politically motivated, though we on the Gameist staff acknowledge that it would be extra hilarious if it was.

What impresses us about this weapon is the unabashed contempt it shows for its delivery system.  The parrot bomb is as much about hurting parrots as it is hurting anything else, and that's what makes it fantastic.  If you're one of those hippy-dippy "animal cruelty is wrong" types, try this on for size: parrots are evil .  They're one of the only animal species capable of aping our speech patterns, and we all know that as soon as they master our language they won't stop until they have our homes, our jobs, and our women.

Look at it that way, and the parrot bomb becomes not an instrument of pointless sadism, but a necessary step towards ensuring the survival of the human race.  And that's real.

Suggested Improvements:

As we've pointed out, the parrot bomb really shines when it comes to murdering birds.  There's room for expansion here, as there are tons of other bird species ripe for a little "population control."  Pigeons are among the most obvious candidates, as are seagulls, but we also have to think big.  Think of the ordnance a swan could deliver, or, dare we say it - an ostrich?  Obviously, the discipline of our little shock troops would be an issue, but the way we on the Gameist staff see it, so long as an explosion occurs and a bird dies, that's a good day's work.

When not making gunfingers at the screen, Malcolm writes for The Last Gaffe.

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